R Nadia Sabrina: 2020

HIS Beautiful Names

, by Raja Nadia Sabrina

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It is the last day before Ramadhan. My first post of the year. Finally.

I swear I wanted to post this since the first day of January. The last time I wrote and blogged I thought I could blog and write more but so many, many things happened and I needed to focus on my health, my family and myself so much so that I had to put blogging aside for a while.

So many things have happened and Alhamdulillah despite the circumstances that we are in right now personally things for me are progressing well, health-wise. Things are getting better in a lot of personal ways. I wish I could share more but some things are better to be kept between me, myself and I. Or maybe later on I will be more ready to share it here, who knows?

These are trying times right now, individually, as a society, globally going through the pandemic. However, it is bit different for me as I had to go through some health issues that made me sort of had to forcefully "isolate" myself for almost the whole of last year because my body could not do a lot of things at the time.

In January and February this year 2020, I was so happy and grateful, Alhamdulillah because when I compare myself to the condition I was in in Jan and Feb last year, this year I was so so much better. Last year at the same time I had to be on bed rest most of the time. My body flared up because of my autoimmune disease and chronic illnesses. But this year was so different. By the first week of 2020 I was able to send my kids to school, I was able to swim again and by the second week of January, I was able to do 20 laps of swimming after slowly building the strength and energy to do so. Alhamdulillah. (Since the MCO no more swimming though huhu...)

When we started MCO in March this year initially I didn't feel anything because I've been through a number of "stay-at-home" situations since 2018... Not just stay at home but in the beginning to mid-2018 "stay in hospital for 3 weeks" and then "stay on the bed for months", "stay at home 90% of the time" and "being on the wheelchair when I'm out for many many months after". Ups and downs. All that. I've also done the work from home phase while dealing with my illnesses and being more of a wife and a mom at home too. I've had time to adapt and adjust.

So, initially I didn't see what the fuss was all about when MCO was announced because I thought I was going to be okay as I've went through most of the things before. Until I realised that at least at that time, I could go to the hospital even when I was on my wheelchair etc last year but now, all my many different appointments with all the different specialists, physios and all kinds of therapies had to be postponed and rescheduled to a much much later date. Some conditions are still being investigated and I'm just left hanging. But that is how it is.

And now a month in, I haven't stepped foot out from our entrance door since the MCO. Alhamdulillah. Even when I was in the wheelchair there were trips to the hospitals and sometimes Khubayb still brings me out for movies etc but this is just wowww. I am really feeling it sometimes, not being able to feel the sun so much, or just being able to go outdoors (we live in an apartment) is something we may have taken for granted but Alhamdulillah it is manageable and I'm thankful that I'm able to stay at home in a better condition so now I can do more with my family at home. I get to be at home in a condition where I am more mobile. I get to play more with my kids because my body can withstand more physically. I get to be with the husband more coz he is at home all the time. I get to be in the kitchen more and cook. I get to read. I get to go for beneficial talks and classes. Before this offline and now online. Spend some more time learning things I've always wanted to learn. Alhamdulillah.

I wanted to share this photo earlier this year but didn't get to so here is a throwback photo of me from one of the much better days last year.

My last post on here was about 8 months ago. When I posted it, actually I really had plans to blog more. But a lot has happened in between now and then. One of the things that happened was when I remember I sat in front of my desk in my room, already with so many things in my head and from my heart to pour out... I started typing but after not more than 10 minutes I felt a shooting and sharp pain across my back and arms so I had to lie down. I tried a few times but my body was in so much pain and resisted my efforts to blog.

That is not an excuse I know. So for this post, what I did was I used my phone to write/type down my thoughts and feelings first before I transferred it to the computer.

The last post I blogged in 2019 was TEN years. It wasn't meant to be the last for 2019. I've accidentally and unintentionally taken breaks from writing or blogging but it was never something intentional. I realise that I was absorbing more, self-reflecting more, learning more when I started to be really sick. Through the experiences and through the effort of going through some classes to learn more.

Earlier this year I went for a 4-day class and there were some readers of this blog who said hi (thank you so much, you know who are) and told me that they followed me and used to read my blog since it started and they realised I haven't been doing so lately. We talked and I told them the reason why I haven't been able to and as I am still pretty immobile, they know and understand that I just need some time to adapt to manage my health and focus on getting better. Alhamdulillah I was in a much better state that I was able to attend the course and all. As I was having a conversation with one of them and chatting away, I reminded myself to start blogging soon because I do really miss blogging very much. It is therapeutic for me.

I also spoke to Ustaza Aisha Altaf during the course. There are a lot of changes in my life recently and told her about me that haven't blogged for awhile. She also encouraged me to continue blogging as long as the contents are beneficial. So this is a big reminder and a good advice for me to think about what I post and share on social media, on this blog and in my IG and I will try and struggle to make sure that my contents are more beneficial in the future. On IG this year I wanted to post more but turns out I only posted 2 photos in the first week of January and didn't post anything till Khubayb's birthday recently on 5th April.

After meeting Ustaza Aisha Altaf, I got the opportunity to see Ustaz Somad and he said we 'should do whatever we do as though it is the last". For example when he gives a tazkirah or a talk he will do it as though at it is his last. This to me is another big reminder. When I share anything here on the blog or on social media it really should be as though it is the last. Whatever it is, just give our best and assume that it might be the last time we are able to do so. It hits home. As I've experienced this in so many ways recently after being challenged with my health issues. So many things that I was able to do so many times before, became the last time that I could do certain things.

So many changes the past year and so many things for me to share. I'm genuinely just overwhelmed with what I've experienced and the knowledge that has come with whatever that I had experienced.

MasyaAllah.

Everything turns out to be a blessing in the end even though I must be honest, at certain times the tests are hard and everything seems so bleak. For the past 2 months my mobility has been so much better. It's not so much of a physical limitation to blog anymore. So its just me.

It is not a mental block even though I've experienced that a number of times before. It is just me being overwhelmed with so many things.

Today and now, I decided to share what I feel. Thinking for today instead of talking so much about the past (as I've too many things to talk about the past year & more) or the future (plans in this uncertain time).

Today, is the last day before Ramadhan. I am blessed to reach today. There were days last year that I was really not sure whether I could reach today or this Ramadhan.

Last year, I mentioned how I couldn't fast most days, I couldn't go to the mosque for taraweeh at all because of my condition. I blogged about it in EID. Alhamdulillah, yesterday I managed to replace all 25 days of my fasting which I was able to start in Syaaban. Alhamdulillah. It is a truly a blessing and my body has been feeling better though I am struggling with fatigue which could also be the symptoms of any of my many conditions.

Since it's Ramadhan tomorrow here in Malaysia, I would like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a blessed Ramadhan. May Allah bless you with patience, perseverance and strength to go through this month and gain a lot of blessings, rewards and forgiveness throughout. Forgive me if I have ever offended you and for any wrongdoings in any way.

Today, I am sad that I can't be with my family as we usually gather before first day of fasting and today I'm sad I can't be with my parents but I'm happy that I am with my husband and kids.

I just cooked lasagne, my fav Mom's style and recipe for the first time and I'm happy that my husband thinks its delicious (and me too).

Today, I feel blessed and grateful because finally I am able to blog because it is so therapeutic to me. I wish that I'm able to do it more than a few times a year.

Today, I also feel anxious and worried because some of my closest family members are currently in the hospital. Am trying everything to calm myself down. But I am blessed because I believe Allah has planned everything, will determine what's best and is the Best Protector of all. May Allah protect us all and heal us.

Here to end this post, I am sharing one of my fav supplications that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) recited in the morning and evening and also when he is worried. I learned this due from a friend when I was in uni and it is very relatable to me as I do get anxious a lot of times and this helps me a lot.

Translation

O Ever Living, O Self-Subsisting & Supporter of all, by Your mercy I seek assistance, rectify for me all of my affairs & do not leave me to myself, even for the blink of an eye

Arabic

يَاحَـيُّ يَا قَـيُّـوْمُ ، بِـرَحْمَـتِكَ أَسْتَـغِـيْثُ ، أَصْلِـحْ لِي شَـأْ نِـيْ كُلَّـهُ ، وَلَا تَكِلْـنِيْ إِ لَى نَفْـسِيْ طَـرْفَةَ عَـيْنٍ

Pronunciation

Ya Ḥayyu ya Qayyum, bi raḥmatika astaghīth, aṣliḥ lee sha’nī kullah, wa lā takilnī ilā nafsī ṭarfata `aayn

Benefit

Anas ibn Maalik (R.A) reports that Prophet (Peace and Blessings of Allaah be upon him) once mentioned to Fatima (R.A) to recite the following supplication morning and evening.

[Imaam Haakim and Imaam Dhahabiy]

Also Abdullah ibn Mas'ood (R.A) narrated that whenever Prophet (Peace and Blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to be afflicted in any worry or concern; he used to recite this supplication.

[Mustadrak al-Haakim vol.1 pg.509]

With that, let's welcome Ramadhan and hope to see you all again here in the future, in sya Allah.

PEACE & LOVE!

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