"Mother,

You're loved and appreciated.

Children do not realize

As children we can't fully comprehend
or fully realize
The meaning of a mother's love,
how tender and how wise,
Her patience and her guidance,
her helpful, caring ways,
The special, thoughful things she does
To brighten up the days.
Years go by, before we know
the depth of her concern,
The love in her protectiveness-
it takes so long to learn..

But as we grow,
we understand,
for we look back and see,
Through older eyes
and wiser hearts,
her love and loyalty.
It's these and many other things
that make her grow more dear,
More admired
and more appreciated
with every passing year.

You're a wonderful mother.
You're a beautiful person.
You listen with your heart.
You're always giving.
You deserve the best."

 Heartfelt words above are contained in a Card expressing exactly how I feel about my mother :)

The doctors came in this morning and the first thing the specialist said to me was "Well done Nadia! You did very well. It has been 8 weeks already." I smiled and thought to myself, All Praises to God Almighty for granting us both the strength to survive this long. :)

I would like to share with you the story so far and will try to keep it is as short as I possibly can and spare the minute details.

Rewind back to the Wednesday night of 15th August 2012, 4 days before Eid al-Fitr on 19th August 2012.

When I went for umrah in June this year (True Love : Part 1 : Unworthy Me), among the many other things I prayed for, I prayed to God every single day asking him to grant me with a 'zuriat' if it will bring me closer to His Love and if I am ready for motherhood. To be honest, before I went for umrah, even though I have been married for 2 years I felt I was never ready to become a mother as it entails so much responsibility and I was very career minded, among the many other reasons I made for myself. That Wednesday night, exactly 8 weeks after I came back from my umrah trip, I found out I was pregnant. Both my husband and I were overwhelmed with contentment. God answered our prayers. Syukur. :) We were nervous of what's coming but at the same time extremely excited. The next day it was confirmed by the doctor that I was already 6 weeks pregnant.

During the whole of my first trimester, my morning sickness was really bad. And no, it wasn't only in the mornings, it drags through the whole day. There were times that I vomitted at least 3 times a day. There were days I had to work from home as I couldn't get up at all. However, I was told that it is very normal for pregnant ladies especially in the first trimester. I lost a few kgs due to the vomitting and became really skinny and at one point I had to be admitted to a hospital and be fed by drips as I couldn't eat or drink anything for a few weeks. It was something new to me as I have always been a workaholic, have lots of energy and never had trouble eating. However, I always comforted myself, because in the end it will all be worth it and I will forget all that has happened once my baby is born and get the chance to hold my baby for the first time, God-willing. The sickness died down slowly when I entered my fourth month and I was happy that I could eat like I usually did before I got pregnant. I am a really big-eater :)



Then 8 weeks ago, on the Friday night of 26th of October 2012 (at 16 weeks), I 'peed' in my pants. Well, I thought I peed. My husband and I even laughed at the situation because we thought it was one of those funny moments you always read about, that pregnant ladies having problems controlling their bladder, was happening to me. I felt tired the next day and I rested at home with my husband the whole day. I did not visit any of my relatives at all even though it was Eid al-Adha. That weekend I had urgent work to be settled at the office, so I came in the office to work on both Saturday and Sunday from morning till nighttime. It was nothing unusual and I had all the energy at that time.

On that fateful Tuesday morning the 30th of October 2012, my husband and I were very excited to go for our monthly appointment with our gynae to see our baby. Especially since the last time we went for the ultrasound the previous month, our baby actually summersaulted, waved to the camera and happily swam in the water sac. The baby was so hyperactive even the gynae was surprised. The baby's movements were something we couldn't get out of our minds although it didn't cross our minds to record our baby's movements that day. We were also extra excited that Tuesday because we were told that we might be able to see the gender of our baby since our baby had reached four months. While the ultrasound was being done, we waited excitedly and impatiently for the baby to move about to reveal the gender. Surprisingly, our baby was very still. The baby wasn't moving at all which was very peculiar, unlike the last scan, and we couldn't see him clearly. Still, we thought the baby was just sleeping.

However, our doctor seemed worried. I didn't understand why. After a long while, the first question she asked me was  "Did you bleed?" I was taken aback and felt that the question was ridiculous. "Of course not", I answered, cheerfully and happily. I thought to myself, my pregnancy so far was perfectly normal, Alhamdulillah, so why would I bleed? She then asked me whether I leaked any fluid. Then I recalled what happened the Friday before and informed her. She asked me why I didn't go to the emergency of the hospital straight away when it happened. I explained to her that all of the doctors we had seen only warned us to go to the hospital straight away if there was any bleeding but did not mention anything about any leaking. This is because it does not usually happen.

Being first-time parents, we weren't aware of what the leaking meant. Even though I knew that normally, the water would break before labour, it never occurred to me that what had happened on that Friday was actually the amniotic fluid leaking. We really thought it was 'pee'. The doctor had a very worried look on her face, but she told us to come the next day as she wanted to do some tests. She explained that at the moment, the amniotic fluid is almost non-existent in the water sac but she's unable to confirm what has happened until she can do some tests. At the end of the consultation, she told me not to worry just yet.

In the name of God, most Gracious and most Merciful.

To say that I miss Makkah (Mecca) and Madinah is an understatement. Since I came back, everything here seems so alien to me now. I missed Makkah and Madinah even before I left the Holy Land, if it makes sense (it will, if you've ever been in love). No words can describe how I felt then and how I'm feeling right now. The Greatness of God pierced my heart and soul. Menusuk qalbu.

Before I went off, at the airport, I did not know what to expect. To be honest, I did not expect it was going to be a life-changing experience. Little did I know. Too little. Extremely little. Still very little. I have a sudden thirst for knowledge which can bring me closer to Him. May God, our Creator and Fortune Giver bestow us all with rightful knowledge. 

I am writing this to share with you, but mostly I am writing this for myself. So that I can put in words these feelings that I feel, so I can look back and be reminded of what I felt. I'm trying to write as much as I can, because ultimately it is in our nature to forget. The word "Insan" (human / he who forgets) comes from the word "Nisyan" which means "to forget". I hope that I will not forget this feeling right now, and I hope God does not take away this Divine Love that He has bestowed upon me. I also hope readers of this post would understand that by me sharing my experience I am not writing this out of riya' or to show off (may God distance such a disease from my heart) but to just truly share this life-changing experience.  I hope you or those around me will remind me if ever I forget.

Before I stepped foot for the first time in Makkah, I was a jumble of mixed emotions. Although I was excited and happy beyond words, I was also very scared and apprehensive. Takut teramat sangat. Here I was, about to answer The Creator's call and all my sins flashed through my mind (what they say is true, it did happen). I have not been a good Muslim. How many times have I neglected His call, how many times have I prioritized the world instead of Him, the Creator of all things? All the sins that I have committed? I grew more nervous and scared. I'm this close to answering His call, but until it happened, I was just so worried and could not calm myself. So many things could go wrong, especially here, where every little thought you have is manifested instantly. Was I worthy? Would I be able to answer His call? Or would I be prevented from doing so? Would He even want to accept me and my repentance?

And I am home :)

In the name of God, most Gracious and most Merciful.

On the way back to the Hotel from Masjidil Haram in Makkah June 2012

I have been away for too long. I apologize from the bottom of my heart and I thank everyone on twitter, facebook, instagram and even through email asking me where I have been and why I haven't blogged for so long. I also apologize for not replying to most of your messages and comments which I really appreciate. Truth is, I didn't even realize that I've been away for so long even though I miss blogging. But I just didn't know where to start.

I realize my last post was in November 2011. That was roughly the same time as the start of the busiest period of my work up to January 2012. Alhamdulillah, even though it was so hectic, I learned so much and I feel that I have developed so much professionally in such a short period of time which I am very thankful for. But believe me, it was so hectic my colleagues gave me the nickname Bionic Woman! But I always believe that we have to work hard when we are still young and where we have so much to learn and we are better able to absorb knowledge so we will be able to reap its benefits in our later years.

In that time, my work took me to Jakarta, Singapore (at one time, both Jakarta and Singapore in the same day!) and also England which was in a lot of ways a blessing. I went for days without sleep, and everything else had to take a backseat: My family, my friends, this blog and most importantly, myself. After it all ended, I took some time to spend with my family: another trip to Jogjakarta for a week. I then vowed and tried to achieve a healthy work-life balance and started to spend more time with my family and dearest friends when I had free time off work. I also took the time to read more books whenever I could.