R Nadia Sabrina: November 2017

Love Will Remain A Mystery

Indeed, sometimes love can be very complicated. Sometimes it can be so simple. Love can sometimes also be a mystery. Or is it mysterious all the time?

Have you ever had this burst of emotions that you just want to express and scream out but for some reasons you can't share it? Its either you can't share it due to internal or external reasons. You want to but can't? I've been having those moments a lot since I became a mom. Like, I want to share every single thing but I can't. Either because I am just not able to or sometimes, choose not to for the benefit of my children or sometimes even myself. It can be quite hard not to since I've always been a sharer and a documenter about pretty much a lot of things in my life, not all of course.

Wow, it is already the last day of November today. Time really flies by so fast. I feel like I have been repeating that. But it really feels like that, even though there were times that moved so slowly.

I'm still at the hospital with my son, Elhan. It's his 8th day being unwell and we are still here and we have no idea when he will recover and we are still praying that he will get well soon and we all will get out of here soon.

It is heartbreaking to see him suffer. But if staying here and continuing the treatments are what's best for him, then we definitely wouldn't want to do anything else because he is our top priority at this moment in time, ever since we had him and we will only do what is best for him, nothing less.

I'm so thankful for the help from family and friends and all the wishes, tips, prayers, messages via comments on IG, this blog and an overwhelming lot of personal direct messages on IG. So grateful to everyone who have shown love and support towards Elhan through this time. May you all be blessed and rewarded abundantly for your kindness.

I blogged about LOVE in my post LOVE BOUND earlier this year in January 2017:

"L O V E

A big word.

4 letters, 1 syllable.

It has different definitions for different people.

Different meanings in different situations.

It means different things at different times.

Sometimes we show it, sometimes we don't.

And we show it in different ways too.

It can make perfect sense when it shouldn't make any sense.

It can exist out of nothing yet it can be our everything.

So simple yet so complex.

So subjective yet so beautiful.

So generic, yet can also be so specific.

So confusing yet so straightforward.

So deep and so meaningful.

It brings comfort and joy but at times it brings tears and pain.

One of nature's best gift to us and the universe's greatest energy.
One of life's greatest blessing, other than life itself."

I wrote that in January and now after just 11 months, those things that I mentioned remained the same and I still relate to to it very much but at the same time things totally changed. My life totally changed this past two months. Totally. Again.

I also mentioned about it in my recent post, CHANGE : My Universe.

But some things remain a mystery. I wish I can share, but not yet. Just not yet.

It is amazing how the exact same thing or situation can change and give different meanings at different phases or stages of life.

The inspiration of the title of this post is actually a song which I have mentioned in about 4 different blogposts, at very different stages of my life. The year I got married, way before I was thinking about ever having children, then the first year after I became a mother to my first child, and then the second year after being Jibrael's mother and then, now almost a year after I became a mother to my first living child, Elhan.

The song is Brighter than Sunshine by Aqualung. I've been listening and singing this song a number of times throughout the day today.

Each line of the lyrics give different meanings to me at different times and I remember how it gave me such an uplifting mood singing it to Jibrael the day before I gave birth to her and it was just so beautiful.

And now, here I am, blogging this in the hospital, listening to this song on repeat while I'm typing this, with a totally different meaning when I listened to it almost 5 years ago, stealing some moments while he is peacefully sleeping (those who have been through having their child in a hospital would know that that rarely happens when they are sick) writing this down, documenting this feeling that I have for my first living child, Elhan, sitting down at the sofa next to his hospital bed where I have slept in this past few days together with him, next to him, worried sick, but trying my utmost best not to show it to him, to cheer him up, be positive despite what may look like a negative situation. (By the time I'm finalising this post he is already up and and going through his nebuliser treatment and just had his doses of meds)

I can't explain what the song means to me. But, it hits me. Even more so now, than before. Certain things in life, really remains a mystery. And that is what I have, what I feel for my children, the ones here and the ones in heaven. Others may not understand but its a bond that I only felt, once I fell for them, instantly. The ones I would do anything for, the ones who I would really, bleed myself dry for. My children. Each and every single parent sacrifices their life for their children, although it might be in different ways or different style as each of us are unique and different in our own ways. But its something that only we know, sometimes we might not even realise it, but God knows.

Anyways, I also shared the music video at the bottom of this post for the benefit of anyone who has never heard this song before. Here are the lyrics to the song:

I never understood before. I never knew what love was for. My heart was broke, my head was sore - What a feeling. Tied up in ancient history, I didn't believe in destiny. I look up, you're standing next to me - What a feeling. What a feeling in my soul - Love burns brighter than sunshine, Brighter than sunshine. Let the rain fall, I don't care. I'm yours, and suddenly you're mine. Suddenly, you're mine; And it's brighter than sunshine. I never saw it happening. I'd given up and given in. I just couldn't take the hurt again - What a feeling.

Love will remain a mystery,
But give me your hand, and you will see.
Your heart is keeping time with me.

When I talked about the song in my previous posts, mainly it was about my family or more so, children. (Read : Feeling in My Soul, Second in Heaven : 15.1.15, Counting Down the Days : 14.1.14 : Expect the Unexpected X and lastly one from way before i had my children many many years ago when I still had a twitter account and there was no IG yet at the time : My Weekend with Music in Bed).

I captured the images of the paintings in this post which was displayed just outside Elhan's ward. There were no mention of the artist at the side so I couldn't credit him or here but I love how they displayed this lovely colourful paintings which really uplifts the mood, transforming a negative situation into a more positive experience. It can be hectic and exhausting but small little things like this makes a big CHANGE in someone's mindset, mood and feelings.

PEACE & LOVE!

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, by RNadia

# family,

40 Degrees

Things don't go as planned sometimes. Sometimes it goes better than planned. But, sometimes it just doesn't. In my previous post last Thursday, I mentioned that I was going to blog about something else. I thought of blogging about it on Friday, the next day but Elhan was unwell. Change of plans. I had to go out for a work meeting and when I got back it became worse that night. Apart from fever, coughing and flu he had also started vomitting a lot, every time we fed him, all of it goes back out. So we decided to bring Elhan to the clinic that night and most of the ones nearby were closed.

We then went to the emergency department of the nearest hospital and thank God we did. His temperature was 40 degrees! The last time Elhan had fever earlier this year was when he was 2 months old and it was 39 degrees and it turned out he had to be hospitalised for 8 long days. It got a little more complicated than just a fever, and on the advice of the doctor, other than all the treatments he had to undergo we also had him circumsized. Imagine the fear that I had when I found out his fever was 40 degrees this time around.

They immediately asked us to take off all his clothes except his pampers and sponged him at the hospital, and then put some meds inside him through his back. He was so scared of doctors, nurses and hospitals because he had a traumatising experience doing an ultrasound just over a month ago. It was really nothing and not painful at all but he was just scared of the whole ambience and experience. So now he would cry whenever we have to hold him down and still. My heart breaks to see him like that but at the same time I just had to cheer him up and comfort him. But that experience made him so scared now whenever the nurses and doctors wanted to do something to help him get better.

They also had to do blood tests that night and first they tried drawing the blood from his right hand, but the blood stopped going out so they had to draw blood from the other hand. He literally screamed his lungs out. Usually when he goes through his scheduled injections he doesn't cry as much but the fact that everyone had to hold him down to take the blood out makes him scared even more.

But I guess that is normal for babies. Sometimes, even some adults are scared of needles.

When he was 2 months old he couldn't move about and was so tiny so I guess it was easier for the nurses and doctors but now since he's moving about so he can actually try to crawl away and at one point he even kicked Khubayb coz he was in so much pain.

Anyways, we waited for a few hours and it was almost 3am that night and all praises to the Almighty that once the blood tests came out, the Doctor told us that he didn't have to be warded. But we still needed to monitor him for 48 hours. So whatever plans (or plans to do nothing) that we had this weekend had to be cancelled. We had to really focus on him and nothing else. We were lucky because my mother came just to help us out with the kids as we needed to give more focus on Elhan. He's not being his usual bubbly and active self.

So we've been taking his temperature every other hour. Been trying to give him his meds which now has become more challenging than last time because he really doesn't want to eat his meds and there are no other tricks that we can do anymore since he is already such a smart boy. We tried to reason with his saying its to make him better etc but sometimes we had to go to the very last resort huhu. Which is to use force. I hate that the most. But I guess we have to, its out of love and the desire to make him better.

Sometimes we might hate things that are actually good for us.

He's still unwell now. The fever goes up and down. It's almost 48 hours up and I hope that he gets better tomorrow so that we don't have to the hospital again. May God cure our lil Elhan.

Something else happened in between all of this. An external annoyance, touching on my family matters. I really do not have the time to entertain such things. So I won't go into detail about it. I decided to shut it out and just focus on my son. I figured there are some who follows our every step and are just waiting for something bad to happen to us. Hate to see us happy and happy or glad to see us fall. For what reason, I'm not really sure. But, I'm not going to give them the privilege.

Anyways, to the kind souls who are reading this, please pray for our Elhan's good health, speedy recovery and may he be protected from any evil, sickness as well as ill-intentions from other people. May God bless your souls abundantly for your kindness in doing so.

If any of you are a parent, do leave some tips on how you guys deal with a child who is unwell. I've heard so many different things like: have to bathe him, regularly, but some tell me not to bathe a baby having fever, have to keep him warm, keep him cold, so many contradictory advice. Share with me!

This one was captured this afternoon. One of the rare moments when he was being his cheerful self this past 48 hours. Eventhough it was just about 5 minutes, it's everything. So much LOVE! His smile makes every single thing more than worth it. Alhamdulillah.

PEACE & LOVE!

7Comments

, by RNadia

# my looks,

Feathered Lace

0Comments

, by RNadia

# career, life and reflection

Constant Balancing Act

Time. It can really sneak up on you.

There are those crazy stressful moments when you feel like giving it all up. And then you remind yourself "No, you are not a quitter." There are those rare moments when you feel like putting a stop to it all. Then, you look back at all the blessings in this life that you may at that moment take for granted and say, "No, I won't stop doing what I'm doing". There are moments when other people might question the reason you are pushing yourself to do more and sometimes beyond your own capacity. BUT you have faith and believe in yourself more than anyone else.

As much as I'm blessed with a lot of support as I've mentioned before, I cannot deny and also remember when I started aere there were doubters questioning my switch of career as I'm a blogger and was a lawyer at that time. So there are some who doubt that I will even make it the first year. Also maybe because of the brand that I've done even before aere some thought I was just playing around with the idea of having my own brand. I never played around. I was always serious about it. But because of that and more, I became one of those who doubted myself self too. My own self-doubts might have crept up, but its something that I needed to just brush off and ignore. The continuous fight against our own self-doubts and fears, even more so what other people think.

Career wise, the focus was and still is on building the brand till what it is now today, and beyond.

It’s almost the end of 2017 now, and I recently celebrated aere’s 3^rd birthday (and my own 33^rd birthday). I mean, wow, has it really been that long? I didn’t even really realize it.

Its been over 3 years of me officially being in the fashion industry with aere.

On top of that, before aere I’ve been working as a lawyer for almost 7 years - and I studied for 5 years to get my law degree.

So that’s 15 YEARS since I finished high school!!!

Time really flies.

You realise this when you start to just hit the pause button and reflect for awhile. In my case right now, as I blog this post.

Now, I'm a mom too and I've been one since 5 years ago. All praises to the Almighty for this blessing.

I’ve always been someone who has always been very determined to achieve my goals, either for work or personally. I believe that when you want something, you really have to work hard for it.

You can’t expect it to come to you. Just like that. Without any effort.

And for me, that means full dedication and commitment, working above and beyond what is expected of you, long, long hours, sleepless nights and also working weekends if necessary. We need to give our all.

After that, the rest of it, whether it becomes a success, a failure, an achievement or a mistake, all that is by the will of a Higher Power, not within our control.

And now being in the fashion industry, where everything is lightning paced, I really have to be on my toes - and I also have to juggle between work, family and being a mother to my children. So sleepless nights are very common - although it’s not good for you. (I have to try my best to control it so that it doesn't happen to often though. My father always remind me in his ways to take care of my health even though work is very much important too) Just last night, I continued to think about aere's future plans as well as planning my postings, arranging my content creation, started to write this post and slept at about 5am and woke up at 8am this morning to continue working, though at this moment I'm not physically at the office.

My work revolves a lot around my gadgets, laptop and perhaps most importantly my phone for social media and to communicate with multiple people for work. So my work follows me everywhere I go as long as I have my phone with me. Sometimes nowadays I even do my photo and text editing, draft posts and blog from my phone. What people don't see is that work is never ending for me and there are a lot of sleepless nights (way before I became a mom). So I basically work everywhere and anywhere. Non-stop. Apart from being busy with work, now I'm also being a mom to my children. Juggling it all is very satisfying and fulfilling at the end of the day despite its challenges.

These are the issues that are very common with today’s women though not many open up about it. Women like me who juggle their careers and family and live in this fast-paced and non-stop lifestyle - and this definitely will affect us and our health in some way or the other.

For me, work and life in general is fast-paced and exhilarating. Juggling work and personal life is constant, non-stop.

It's a continuous struggle to find time.

The constant balancing act. Balancing work and our own personal life. Sometimes, when you love what you do so much or when you're so passionate about your job, you can't switch off and you forget that it is actually work. It might be a bad thing sometimes as you ignore other important things in life, but it also can be an amazing thing because it means that you actually love what you do. But we all need to strike that balance. At least, I know I do.

Back then (actually not that long ago) I sacrificed everything else for work. Not just the closest ones to me like friends or family but also myself and my own health. I've experienced a burn out before. Right now the constant struggle is to balance work with other important things in life like, family, friends, and my own health be it physical, spiritual, emotional or mental health. How do I try to lead a healthier lifestyle? It's not just about eating healthier food or spend more time exercising which I try to do weekly. It's also about making time for our loved ones, family and friends, find ways to de-stress, find other things other than work that we enjoy doing and make time for those things.

I'm blogging this for my future self because I love to pen my thoughts so that it acts as a reminder when I forget and as I am human, I always forget.

When you're going through it all it might get really lonely and it feels like you're facing everything alone and as though no one understands what you're going through as you don't even have the time to talk to anyone about the challenges you're going through because you're continuously just juggling everything you have in your life.

To everyone else reading this who are juggling and going through the balancing act, facing the same thing, remember that we are not alone, never alone. There are millions others just like us juggling everything and all we need to do is reach out. Life is never meant to be easy for anyone. It might seem easy on the outside but people don't share everything, no one does and it is never easy.

In the midst of all that, enjoy the journey, embrace the blessings and gifts. Being busy is a blessing and a gift in itself as well as it means that we are blessed with health for us to be able to do everything that we are supposed to do. Life in itself is a blessing though we often forget especially when we go through hardships and the stresses of life.

Expectations are all around us. From our career from our personal lives. Sometimes we feel that we are not doing enough for one or the other. Sometimes, those expectations doesn't come from others but as I personally have experienced a lot of times, it comes from within, from my own self. Pressuring myself to do better and become better. But, as much as we do that to ourselves, never forget to pause, breathe, reflect and try to balance it all out.

Take it one step at a time. Everyday is another opportunity and chance to change for the better.

Participating in a recent Instagram campaign for Ponds the past month makes me realise its important for me to take care of myself and it made me reflect and explore on how I work, how I juggle everything and how it is a constant battle. So, thank you Ponds for having me on board with your #iamnonstop IG campaign and for making me feel like sharing and blogging about this issue. It also reminds me of aere's LOVE collection campaign that aere showcased in Jakarta Fashion Week last year and released earlier this year. No matter what we do, don't forget to love ourselves enough to take care of our entire being too.

In this post I'm wearing aere's CEARA Top from LIFE collection paired with Sugarscarf and also featuring an organza top from the CHANGE collection on my mannequin and not to mention my children's soft toys, milk bottle and a book by FashionValet titled the Rise of Malaysian Designers in which I was featured together with other respected designers.

PEACE & LOVE!

1Comments

, by RNadia

# my looks,

Blend of Textures

Sharing a quick OOTD post of what I wore when I went out to celebrate with my family (READ: Celebrating Family HERE). Since it was a special night, I decided to go for a black and gold theme. It's a classic and trusted combination suitable especially for going out - but for me, what made it even more fun was the blend of textures I combined in this entire look.

I was wearing the NAELIE Black Cropped Top, a lovely double layered top that really stands out because of the weave-geometrical-like texture of the material used. I was so happy when I came across this Japanese fabric to work on the CHANGE collection as it is very unique and beautiful.

For aere's CHANGE Collection, I focused more on premium and luxe textures on the fabrics to accentuate the designs. The latest two tops released for the CHANGE collection both sold out in a day, the EDERRA Top which I wore at KLFW and received so many positive feedbacks when I shared on IG in August and NAENIE Top which I wore in CHANGE is Coming (click to see). I'm very humbled and happy by the overwhelming positive feedback. At the same time I'm eternally grateful for this blessing.

Those of you who have been together with aere since our first collection Nature of Grace would know that we first started using Japanese fabrics at the time as well, for our first printed piece, The ZERENE Abstract Print Top which was made of high quality voile cotton. This time, we went back to use the lovely Japanese fabrics, albeit for its sophisticated textures, instead of prints. And coincidentally, I'm wearing Japanese fabrics to go have dinner at a Japanese Restaurant. Haha! Random!

I paired the NAELIE cropped top with the AUSTEN Flare Pleated Skirt. I mentioned that the NAELIE top was double layered, which basically means that you can choose to tuck it in or wear it free without exposing anything, like some crop tops tend to do. In my recent post CHANGE is Coming, I wore the NAENIE which has a similar cutting with NAELIE, tucked out. That explains the sister names NAELIE and NAENIE, it has similar cutting but the pattern and texture of the Japanese fabric is different.

The AUSTEN Flare Pleated Skirt is also one of my picks out of the new collection. I've always had a love for flared skirts (looooooong before aere, as some of you might remember) but as much as I love, for example, gorgeous overblown full circle skirts that add so much drama and personality, sometimes just a slightly flared skirt like the AUSTEN is just enough to make a statement without overdoing it. It all depends on the look you're going for, the event, and your courage to stamp your own style on what you have. The AUSTEN has a special and unique intricate pleating effect with slight shimmery and glittery details. Subtle and I love it that way! Makes me want to twirl around in it.

The contrasting textural designs on the NAELIE Top and AUSTEN Skirt did not interfere with each other, but allowed both pieces to shine in their own way. I brought out my Ted Baker dinner bag that was a gift from my Husband that was black, gold and texturally interesting as the bag had shiny and raised black dots. The entire outfit matched my iPhone 8plus cover (also black and gold) too. The phone was my birthday gift from my Husband as well. Loving the phone so far, but even more so, really loving the camera of the iPhone 8 Plus which totally replaced my iPhone 6 Plus. Most of my recent photos are taken with my phone nowadays on days that I don't bring my DSLR out with me. Before this new phone I used to bring my DSLR everywhere I went but not anymore, phew! Definitely a good change! (See what I did there)

Anyways, that's all I have. Guys, if you like the NAELIE cropped top and can't wait to get your hands on it, I've got good news for you. It'll be released this Friday!! But do try and get it fast, as for our previous release, both tops from the CHANGE collection sold out within a day.

Good luck and have fun!