Sunday, April 13, 2014


Touched my heart even more today. Comforting... in a way.

A picture of a poem I got from an IG account of another mother to a child in heaven (@angelmommies).

This date last year was Putri Jibrael Zumirrah's EDD (estimated due date) according to the doctors... 12/13 April 2013 was the date my daughter was supposed to leave my body, according to them. The date I was supposed to give birth to her. 

I remember I met three different doctors. First from a clinic near my office, second and third from 2 different private hospitals. They said the same thing.

Estimated due date : 12/13 April 2013

The same month as the husband's birthday. The same as my brother's birthday...

But fate decided that she came into this world on 14th January 2013. :) That beautiful day. I get to meet her and hold her earlier than expected. Today, she's 1 year and 3 months if she's still around. 

I would have been able to see her crawl, laugh, call me Mama, walk and... I don't know just all those milestones that I can just imagine?


I'm getting better at handling this day today compared to last year I suppose but it's still so difficult. Still so painful. Its something I never expected I would have to face. A pain I never thought possible. Physically and emotionally.

What more with @kneok leaving for work outstation this morning. One after another. Today is a day I decided that I have to take care of my health and not push myself too hard. There are times that we are just weak and today is that kind of day for me. I am sure there are others who have lost someone dear to them who would understand what I am saying.

My husband reminded me that yes Jibrael's EDD was today but she was born on 14th January 2013 and she lived on that day. A lot of babies are born before their EDD but the EDD still hold a lot of significance to me.

Estimated. Expected.... Expect the Unexpected.

God knows best. God is the best of planners. We all get what we deserve and I am undeserving of a lot of things. But, God gave me Jibrael. A love I never thought possible it lingers every second since even before I carried her and it gets even stronger when I carried her, gave birth to her, met her, held her and even more... when she left this world to go to heaven... I miss Jibrael. I miss what we went through together and I miss the things that I do not get to do with her till today. I miss the things that I am not able to see her do. To grow up, like the rest of us. I want to see that. See her grow up just like other mothers see their children grow. I cannot wait to see her again. But, i try my best to be patient. She has served her purpose in this world, I haven't. 

I am blessed to have her waiting for me in heaven. I imagine heaven with Jibrael in it eventhough the beauty is unimaginable and that makes me smile. I want to go there too but I know I am still undeserving of it. I want to be strong and inspiring, like my daughter.... but I can only try. 
We can only plan but He is the Ultimate Planner who determines everything. Life and death, all predetermined. We all belong to Him and will all return to Him. Alfatihah tak putus, Jibrael ku sayang.

Today was very difficult (unexpectedly) but I had emotional support from both my soulsister Ruzana Ibrahim and sister-in-law Syahira Zakaria in my room. Thank you ladies for the support. Unexpected and I am truly blessed.

Thank you @angelmommies for the photo... ♡


This post is a continuation of the following posts in the Expect the Unexpected series :

Friday, April 11, 2014

Happy Friday. :) Someone very dear and special to me turns two today... My pretty, big girl Qadriyya, daughter to my sister Hasanah Hilmi. She has grown so much!!! Look at her. 

"Hello tyBween..." :)

Beautiful baby isn't she? MasyaAllah.

The above is a picture I captured of her yesterday. 
Qadriyya came to the office yesterday and talked with me on the phone for awhile eventhough we were in the same room.  I was being silly with her, and it was fun!  
She brings me comfort in so many ways that I am unable to explain. 


She was a regular young visitor who was there at the hospital throughout our little family's trying times. 
She visited Jibrael, Khubayb and me a lot with her Mama and Daddy. She comforted and cheered us up a lot then and even up until today. 

She was also the youngest visitor who was there at the hospital the day I gave birth to Jibrael. 

Jibrael's BFF. :)

Best of friends forever.


I was looking through some old photos and found these photos of me, Jibrael in me, my husband, Qadriyya, her mama and daddy at the hospital from the times they visited me at the hospital.

I could not bring myself to do this last year, 
on her first birthday
but here's a post especially dedicated to my beloved Qadriyya on her second birthday.

2nd November 2013

2.11.13 in pictures.

It was the day after I was admitted into the hospital. Qadriyya and her Mama came to visit Jibrael, me and Khubayb.

 They brought delicious pasta and fresh yummy shrimp pasta for Jibrael and me :)

It was super delicious. Alhamdulillah.
Qadriyya and Mama went out of their way to cheer Jibrael and me up during those difficult moments when we were just admitted the day before.

I remember during my first trimester I could not eat because I vomitted all day if I try to drink or eat anything but that slowly changed. Hasanah brought the pasta and Jibrael and I enjoyed it very much. 

How I do I know Jibrael enjoyed it? Of course, obviously because I am the mother and plus I did not vomit it out :p Hehe.  

She sat on the bed where I was lying down almost all the time during that 78 days in the hospital.
She made sounds as though she was talking to Jibrael. 
There were times when she held my tummy as if she was saying to Jibrael, "it is okay Jibrael, 
everything is going to be alright.
She is truly Jibrael's first ever friend.

I scrolled through some more pictures and this caught my eye just now and it is so mysterious how God works.
Hasanah and Dian both did not really know each other before, but in the above photo, 
Qadriyya was playing with the soft toy Dian (mongkiwongki) gave me on my birthday eve, 1.11.13 the night before I was admitted into the hospital.

Now, Dian, Hasanah and I are all working together and we see each other almost every single day.
I am blessed to have these beautiful souls with me throughout good times and bad times, sisters of mine.

God's plans are the best and He works in mysterious ways. :)

 Her Mama was the first friend to know when I was transferred from one hospital to the other hospital which accepted me in to fight for Jibrael's life. 

6th November 2013

6.11.13 in pictures

Jibrael & Qadriyya's parents.

Most right picture, my belly. She was holding my belly under the hospital blanket where Jibrael was inside me.

I teased her with the balloon and she laughed so much! 
I laughed so much too that time Qadriyya cheered me up like no other at that time. 

A picture of Abah Jibrael and me with Jibrael inside me on the day Qadriyya, Mama and Daddy came to visit the three of us.

These are beautiful moments that I will never forget and let go. I don't want to forget no matter how others want and tell me to forget.

Khubayb and I will never forget these beautiful moments, which you are a part of Qadriyya. 

Uncle Khubayb, TyBween and Jibrael loves you very much Qadriyya. 

68 weeks ago

61 weeks ago

14th January 2013


Jibrael's date of birth.

The unexpected date.

Jibrael's due date was 12/13 April 2013 according to the doctors. Their birthdays would've been very very close.
But, Allah knows best.

Alhamdulillah Qadriyya was Jibrael's youngest supporter that day. She was there at the hospital.

Below seen with my relatives.
I am very blessed to have so many people loving and supporting my daughter's fight in this temporary world.

61 weeks ago

23rd day after I gave birth

Day 23 of confinement IG post by Mama Qadriyya.

Here's a picture of Khubby and Qadriyya a few months before I was admitted into the hospital.

So, why Expect the Unexpected for this post?

I did not expect that Jibrael won't be here to celebrate Qadriyya's birthday and vice versa. 
In this temporary world.
But, I did not also expect that Qadriyya will also be a comfort to me in ways I could never have imagined especially after Jibrael passed away.
I know if Jibrael is here they would definitely click and form a clique through the playtimes, tantrums and baby fights.
I know they would love each other's company just as I love her mother's company and grow together.
Qadriyya's Mama and me go way back, we were in the same class during Standard 1, when we were both 7 years old.

To dearest Qadriyya,
when you are big enough to read this,
know that you have done so much for Jibrael 
and you are Jibrael's first friend.
For that, I am forever grateful. :)
You may be just a baby but you have helped our little family so much in ways that I cannot begin to explain.
Sometimes, you understand me more than even adults. 
I can sense it.
I can feel it.

Qadriyya, Jibrael is waiting for us in heaven.
So always be a good girl to Mama and Daddy and we strive to go to heaven together okay.
Your Mama and Daddy has to go through so much to bring you up so always be thankful to them okay.

Jibrael is waiting for us in heaven and I am sure Jibrael is praying for you too as you have been such a good friend to her.

We will all meet her again one sweet day.

Only, if God wills it.

I am so grateful to have you in my life.

I love you very much Qadriyya sayang.



I end this post with your cheekiest photo I took of you yesterday!


10th April 2014



"My friend who's more like a dear sister to me, Hasanah Hilmi reminded me this of birthdays:

'When we reach our day of birth, it also means that we are closer to death. Although it is customary that we celebrate it out of joy, we should remind ourselves of death.'

Rather than celebrating it for fun we need to reflect, on the gifts that we have been blessed with. And that we are going closer to death. What preparations have we made since we are going even closer to death? This hit me hard because it reminded me of how ignorant I was in the past. Our preparations will never be enough because we need to remain consistent in learning and and keep on going to become a better person than we were yesterday to seek the pleasures of the ONE who created us.

This year, I am reminded of death. Not just my own as I'm aging, but of my daughter. She's no longer here. I'm reminded of the beautiful memories I managed to spend with her, of the beautiful moments that Monday morning at the time I gave birth to her, of the time I finally met her after I delivered her via c-section that Monday, and her death every single moment of the day. I'm reminded of the beautiful overwhelming feeling of happiness and joy when I gave birth to her and hearing her beautiful voice and having her fingers grabbed mine, only to then carry her dead body in my arms a few hours after that. Yes, I'm reminded of this every single day. More so, during birthdays. So it is not that difficult for me to be reminded of death during all the birthdays I come across, I have to face. My child, whom I carried, whom I expected to die after me (like any other mother would have expected of their children), left before me instead. How can I not think of death during every birthday that I have to go through?

However, I'm blessed and comforted to know that my beloved daughter Putri Jibrael Zumirrah went straight to heaven on that beautiful Monday."


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Salam dear readers. In my look post Blooming Orchid I mentioned that I attended the Modvier launch. So, I'm sharing the tons of photos from the event which I managed to capture and photos of the lovely people I met at the launch of Modvier in Bangsar on 12th March 2014. Sooo many photos in this post! It was wonderful to meet all of them :) 

I was from a meeting in Publika just before that and my sister-in-law Syahira Zakaria dropped Dian Farhana and me at the event. We were early. They had drinks and food outside so we took a few bites and took a few photos with friends while we waited to go in.

It was really lovely of Rico Rinaldi to give both Dian and me really good seats as we found out that it was not really a wholly seated event. Thank you Rico! 

With the beautiful Shea Rasol.

With Dayah Bakar the host of the night, Jezmine Blossom, Zafirah Hanis, Yaya Zahir and Shea Rasol. 

My date for the night, Dian Farhana. 

With Shea, Zafirah, Atiyah Saadon and Sarah Shah Nor the founder of Modvier in the middle.

Alyah sang a cover version of 'Set Fire to the Rain' by Adele.

Love this creation by Rico Rinaldi!

With the talented Yuna Zarai who sat in front of Dian throughout the event. 
Stole this picture just before the fashion show started hehe. 
Hey, it is not easy to meet her especially because she's been staying in New York. 
She was the sweetest to offer the beautiful late Ami Schaheera to share 
her seat with her when she saw her standing. 

Farah Lee,  we first met at  Saturday with Lovely People and Bazaar by NWW last year. 
Her booth was next to mine. Love her studded skirt.

The bubbly and friendly host Dayah Bakar.

With Nursuziana Zulkifli, Mira Filzah and Fazrena Aziz.

With talented individuals. Nurul Zulkifli, Annie Aris, Rohana, Yaya Zahir, Elia Izzati, Yuna, Siti Safrina / Fiena and Rico Rinaldi. 

Want to know why the title of this post is 'To the Left?' Because I'm always on the left side of every single photo with others.
It's too obvious in this post!

Happy Dian with Hatta Dolmat, Ally Iskandar and wifey Farah Lee.

History was created that day. The first time ever she wore a long skirt with really high heels and the first time ever she accompanied me to a fashion event. You did great! Hehe. 
Here are some shots Hasanah and me captured before the event. 
Awkward but nice! Hehe. 
There's a first for everything.
All other photos in this post with me in it were taken by Dian!

Dian wore Belle Grey .

Thank you for accompanying me Dian. 
Not many know that it is not easy for me to go events this past year,
but you are one of them who do understand 
and for that I am thankful.
Thank you for being by my side throughout the event.
I know you had fun anyways. :p
Love you!

The founder of Modvier, Sarah Shah Nor, invited me to the event. Congratulations on the launch Sarah!
May God grant you success in this life and the next. Amin.




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