10:29:00 AM

It really hit me today. Just before I slept last night I felt like crying & felt such great sorrow. This morning when I woke up I feel it again. It’s very different this year. I’ve felt sad so many times before when Ramadhan is leaving especially since 2012 when I truly understood what it means and felt in love with this month even more.

Then in 2013, I had my first Eid as a mom but without my daughter by my side and in 2016 I had my first Eid as a mother of 2 children in heaven. So Eid has always been a bittersweet moment for me. Having Elhan and Evren changed Eid for me and it made it more fun and bearable.

I started to get sick just before Ramadhan last year and couldn’t do a lot of things last Ramadhan and Eid. I didn’t even visit JIbrael’s grave for the first time during last year’s Eid. I miss my grandparents more too during Eid as I grew up celebrating with them & visiting them. They have all left this temporary world. Its the little things, my late grandmother Arwah Tah my father's mother teaching me how to pray and encouraging me to read the Quran when I was little. How my late grandmother Opah, my mother’s mom always say that I'm her eldest grandchild and always give me the warmest hugs and even this pillow in the picture with the crown made of golden thread (also known as tekat) was done by my Opah.

As my health deteriorated from last year’s Eid onwards and even more so for Eid this year, I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of sadness & sorrow that I feel even with all the blessings I have that surrounds me that I’m extremely grateful for.

I spent Ramadhan dealing with my illnesses, my chronic illnesses, my autoimmune disease, the ever changing treatments and just trying to accept the fact that there are a lot of things that I cannot do. Normal daily things & the things that I usually do during Ramadan which wasn’t hard at all, have now become impossible. Simple acts of fasting, sujud, tarawih at the mosque, and a lot of other things that I could do before and took for granted… Now, I can’t… Last night I realised this even more while I was breaking fast with my family, just before we went back home when they wanted to have a round of supper at the dining table, I couldn't even walk to the dining table and when my father wanted to feed the fish with Elhan and Evren I could not even join them because my body just flared up and I just couldn’t move without feeling even more pain.

Going back home I couldn't even go to the washroom & clean my make up & remove my  contact lens (which is a big no no to me), not because I was sleepy but because I was in so much pain despite all the steroids, the many painkillers & the meds that I’m taking. I feel so limited & disabled & I’m still learning & trying to get used to it.

However, please don’t think that I’m in any way complaining here. As best as I can, 95% of the time, despite the constant pain, I try to not talk about it at all. 

I try to only focus on the positives of my life and appreciate the many many blessings around me. I’m alive, surviving, coping, dealing and as a bonus I have my sons, my husband, my family and friends. Most importantly I know Allah is right here with me always and He is near especially more now that I’m sick. I feel it even more. It’s hard to explain but I feel even more loved by Him & closer with Him than ever before despite being in this condition. 

I am blessed. I am grateful. Alhamdulillah. I’m happy with all the things that I’m blessed with, the good and the bad. I trust what He has determined for me is protecting me from more harm and is bringing me closer to Him. 

Forgive me for all my mistakes, my wrongdoings, if I’ve ever hurt or offended you in any way. May Allah accept all our deeds. Have a wonderful and amazing time with your loved ones and your family. 

Eid Mubarak, Selamat Hari Raya. 


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