Search for Healing : Rediscovering 4

5:56:00 PM

It's hard to explain what I'm feeling right now. My life after what I have recently been going through feels like a whole new chapter. As though I'm instantly changed by what happened. I'm still me, but a big part of me has changed. That fateful Friday when I blogged "Reflections : We Belong to our Beloved Creator", 13th November 2015.  Exactly 3 weeks ago. Something in me changed and I just feel like starting everything all over again and things are not the same. Is that possible? Can I start all over again?

The photos in this post were taken on 26th November 2015, a day after I went out for the first time as blogged in "Rediscovering 3 : Standing Back Up". I was again confined to one place for what seems like a whole lifetime to me. (For a valid explainable reason of course) For some, a period of just over a month might not be a long time, but it was a long time for me filled with lots of love, happiness, smiles, laughters, fear, worry and a lil bit of tears. It was sure one helluva rollercoaster ride. I was on an unexpected journey. A beautiful one, yet extremely difficult to let go.

Anyway, on that day I spent almost the whole day searching for books. I wanted to learn more about it and to get answers to so many questions that sometimes pop up randomly in the middle of nowhere. I kinda went a little crazy online, silently reading from one review to another looking for a certain genre of books. I know it would be about two weeks before I'd receive them though if I buy it online because they were from the US. 

When the husband came back he was shocked at the amount of books that I wanted to buy. I had put them in the cart but I hadn't purchased them yet. I felt I needed ALL OF them. I felt like a student of a new course or specialisation wanting to read everything out there about that subject. He kept me grounded and boldly stated the amount of books which I have added to the list was too much. If he didn't say it out like that I wouldn't have realised how crazy the amount was. I wouldn't be able to even carry them with my two hands, that was how crazy a lot it was. Thing is I found it all so interesting and felt like all of them are what I really needed or wanted to read.

He then gave a suggestion. Why don't we check whether any of these books are here locally? Whatever books that aren't available here, we order online. That sounded like a good idea to me, so I agreed. So he checked out Kinokuniya's website and found some of the books that I was looking for. He then decided to bring me there to KLCC. It felt like it was my first time going to a mall. (and this was a place that I had frequented A LOT since back when I was in high school (way before Pavilion existed). So it was pretty weird that I felt excited or anything like that. 

The moment we were on the escalator, I had flashbacks of the moments when I first went to a crowded place after about 4 months being in the hospital and in confinement as blogged in Redicovering the World. When you haven't been out for a really really long time it just feels really weird. It's like everything else is alien or I'm the alien in a strange place. I don't know which is worse. The difference with what I felt almost 3 years ago is that this time around I felt giddy, happy and excited even though I was careful of my next step. I mentioned it out to Khubayb and we joked and laughed about how funny I was being so scared going out to a crowded place for the first time after many many months.  It's quite funny when I think about how I held to him so tightly because I was scared of the crowd as though they would do something to me :) (Wouldn't be laughing about it 3 years ago though as at that time I felt that I didn't know what was going to happen next).

When my late daughter Jibrael died 12 hours after I gave birth to her almost three years ago, one of the things I did was read a few books which was supposed to give comfort and give me strength and help me to survive and cope with the unexpected feelings. Two of the books that helped me at the time was Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed which the husband bought for me a day before I gave birth to my daughter and Don't Be Sad by 'Aaidh ibn Abdulla Al-Qarni, a book that I had since I was in my uni days. It's a very good book  which I can reread over and over again when I need to with short chapters which I can choose based on my mood or feelings at the time. 

However, at the time, I didn't realise that I actually needed books in relation to what I was going through specifically. About death. Grieving. Infant death. Child loss. Specifically death of a child after giving birth and the loss of a pregnancy. It wasn't easy for me to even say those words out loud or even type out at the time. But this time, however, searching for books about it online and reading all the reviews was something that I could do easily. Eventhough it does feel slow motion at times.

When we reached Kinokuniya and inquired about the books, the counter said that the books were not available. I was really frustrated. I felt a certain sort of rage that I didn't know existed when I found out because we had gone out to buy the books (that the website said was available) but I only managed to softly and timidly whisper my disappointment and frustration to the husband. I was saying that out of the hundred and thousands of books in the store, there's really no book on child loss or death? Even on the topic of death, it was just one row of a shelf which contained probably just about 20 books. I felt that was crazy. They even label it "mid-life crisis/death". How can it be the same??? What more there was none on the specific topic of death of a child. It was just mind boggling. Online there were hundreds but we couldn't find it there. 

He then being the awesome husband that he is decided not to take what the information counter told us and decided to search for the books manually himself. He brought me to a corner to search for it, and what do you know, he did manage to find a few books on the list for me and sent me to the counter to check it out. I browsed the books that he found for me. After about 15 minutes he came back and showed me this book which was in my top list when I as browsing online called Beyond Tears (Living After Losing A Child) by Ellen Mitchell. I had been browsing online for the books for so long that I had actually memorised how the book covers look like for the ones that I wanted so bad. 

These books on my list, I really wanted because it received mad reviews. The books I wanted the most were "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination" by Elizabeth McCracken, "Baby Dust" by Deanna Roy, "To Linger on Hot Coals" by Stephanie Paige Coal and Catherine Bayly, "Grieving Parents (Surviving Loss as a Couple)" by Nathalie Himmelrich and "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart (Surviving the Death of your Baby)" by Deborah L Davis. I wanted it based on the reviews but of course I have to read it first to see if it's really good and helpful or not. 

Anyways, when I saw the books "Death of a Child" by Elaine E. Stillwell, "Beyond Tears" and "Healing Your Grieving Heart (100 Practical Ideas to help through Grief) by Alan D Wolfelt and Raelynn Maloney I felt so relieved, excited and happy that he managed to find it. :D I felt like hugging and kissing him right there but people were already staring, probably because it was weird that I was that excited for that kind of book so I just contained my hugging and grinned widely instead and thank the husband. It was an amazing feeling. We bought the 3 books and a few others and I was relieved I had those to read immediately. I went out of the bookstore with the treasures super happy like someone who had just won a treasure hunt contest. Felt like jumping up and down with joy, but I didn't. I just expressed it to him instead. Hehe.

We realised we spent hours inside Kino in search of the books because by the time we went out to look for dinner all the restaurants inside the mall were all closed so we had to go to one of the restaurants outside near the fountain. Shared my favourite dish the salmon and mushroom soup. Yumsss. (Nowadays I don't eat as much as last time and have been eating healthy food so it's better to share than waste our food) 

And of course, I wasn't patient enough to wait till I get home before I unwrapped the books. I hurriedly  unwrap it before the book came and quickly browsed through the chapters. That was how excited I was. When we went back, I also went online and ordered more books that I've wanted and browsed and couldn't find at Kino. Hehe!

Gosh, never ever would I have expected I would ever be so excited and interested to read books on this subject... Expect the Unexpected Sabrina. 

I can't express how much books help to comfort me in ways that I don't really understand. Maybe it's because I'm reading the experiences of those who feel what I feel or have gone through something similar. I choose when I want to read and pick it up. There's no judgement from the book, no sympathy looks, no pity and just no fear. The words that resonate with me, and touch me. Every page of these books bring smiles, laughs and sometimes tears to my eyes. Most importantly, it brings back all the wonderful and beautiful memories I have with my child.

It took me almost 3 years from the beautiful day I gave birth to my daughter and had to return her on the same day to Our Creator for me to actually pick up specific books on this. Strength and power are from God. All praises to the Almighty for giving me the strength and for helping me through these mediums of reading and writing (blogging). I am truly blessed. With every hardship, he gives us ease.  Alhamdulillah.

When something happens which change our lives forever, may it be for the better even though we might not understand it now. Eventhough it might not look like the best thing that could happen to us. God knows best. 

May He who has power over all things, heal us, fix us and bring us closer to His Love. 

Happy Friday. Always, my favourite day, no matter what.


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  1. Glad you found some useful reading materials :-) It's definitely something we often overlook sometimes, the stories from others who have gone through similar journeys. And the best thing about those books are they're based on real experiences and offer practical solutions for not just your emotional needs but also on how to truly move on (whatever moving on means... It's never that easy when it comes to loss of life). All the best, and may your soul find the peace it is searching :-) {p/s that salmon looks so good!}

    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I find both reading and blogging about this therapeutic. All the best to you too. And yes, the salmon is reallllyyy scrumptious!

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  3. Quite a while jugak i tak baca your posting...but reading this, i really hope you are stronger than before to face whatever challenge you are facing now....take care breen...semoga Allah permudahkan semua untuk you breen...lots of love~sharina~

  4. sampai duduk bersila kak..tekun sungguh cari buku