Second in Heaven : 15.1.159:23:00 PM
One day I found these pictures on the fridge we just got at our home. Khubayb surprised me. He asked me to get something from the fridge (he seldom does that) and I found these pictures. It made me smile. :) Last week, he was calling out my name from the living room and I started to arrange these magnets on the fridge and just stare at it and all the beautiful memories of me and Jibrael kept on replaying in my head. Love. This is what it does to us :) We miss the person we love when we are apart.
I drafted this post more than one week ago, but really I've been thinking about this day since December. THE day. Yesterday, 14.1.15. My daughter's second birthday.
I searched for my post last year on how I dealt with facing this day. I found my post Counting Down the Days : 14.1.14 : Expect the Unexpected X in my blog and wanted to read it. I couldn't. I read the first paragraph and stopped. And I started to write this post.
You know, I've shared before that when I blog, I'm such a perfectionist and I like to keep it all organised. I will read the post again and again before I publish it. Writing this post has been easy, whatever I felt flows through my fingers when I typed it out. But then, reading it back. That wasn't so easy. I'm not sure why. So I couldn't finish this post. I couldn't read it again. I just worked on another post about something else. Or just put something on IG. Or just do anything else other than finishing this post. There was a mental block and I didn't know why. I still don't. Today, however, I could finally find the strength to finish this.
Last year I wrote Visiting My Daughter : Expect the Unexpected XVI on me visiting her. I was contemplating on whether to visit her on the 14th or the day before that this year. I really do not know what to expect. Last year it was a public holiday on the 14th of January as it was Maulidur Rasul, Prophet Muhammad's (peace be upon him) birthday. Since last week, the plan was to visit her on her birthday. From the week before I decided that I would take time off from work because I just didn't know what to expect this year. We wanted to recite the qur'an in remembrance of her, and then just visit her early in the morning. Maybe have a little breakfast before that.
So yesterday, both me and the husband woke up for Subuh prayers. It was still a little too early so we both laid back in bed. For a while, I could feel we both wanted to talk about this day. But we didn't. We just kept quiet for a long while. And did nothing. Just lying in bed.
We knew both of us should've gotten ready to go to her grave. We already prepared our outfits for our special day the night before. But, we just couldn't. We were still pushing ourselves but we just couldn't. But by then we had already started talking. About our baby, about the events two years ago. The flashbacks. About our feelings. About what we would be doing this year if she was still here. About everything.
All of a sudden I received an unexpected message from a dear friend. She was just checking up on me and to see how we were. That was really sweet of her. I told her that we haven't yet gone to the grave and that I'm not happy with that and ourselves because last year we were at the grave in the morning. We didn't know why we couldn't do it this year.
Then she said "... don't push yourself to do things just because it seems like the right thing to do okay. Take it at your own time. If you can't visit her today, you can go another time when you are ready. She knows you love her I'm sure".
That message was a comfort and a relief. It really was.
It may seem easy to just go, to just get ready and visit my child's resting place on this Earth on her 2nd 'birthday'. But... it's not. It's not easy. It's really not. In fact it was even harder than last year. And I was not one to admit that it was difficult. And I now finally admit it. It is difficult. And until today, I still do not have the strength to pay her a visit. I pray that this weekend I will be able to. It's just so hard... May Allah give us the strength.
Her fingers and mine :) Something happened just now and it triggered me to reminisce the most amazing moments in my life when I spent time with my late daughter Putri Jibrael Zumirrah. @kneok took this picture just after she held my fingers. It was amazing Subhanallah. All praises to Allah for the gift of love that the Creator gave to me. I'm thankful to Allah for lending me a few hours for me to spend with my daughter. It is the best gift in my life. A miracle of life that I get to witness with my family. I miss Jibrael so very much. I'm blessed to have a child in heaven. Alhamdulillah. #strength4jibrael
11.1.15 - Haven't felt like wearing anything colourful this past few days. 3 days to go... I just really don't know what to expect. I mean it's only the second year. I'm not prepared for this. Who is? I can't talk about it to anyone except with @kneok. We're in the same boat. I've been writing about my feelings approaching that day. Everything just flows and I typed it out very fast. But I couldn't finish it. I get stuck and then I move on to something else. Im not even sure if I should finish it. Oh well maybe I can just publish an unfinished post? I guess. Mixed feelings, mixed emotions. But I believe that maybe I'm dealing with this better than last year. I'm not going to speak too soon though. Im not sad, Im not trying to get any sympathy, I just want to write it out. It feels better when I do. This caption is so long I could actually turn it into a blogpost already! Anyways, me getting ready and going out of the house today is an achievement. [Pat on the back] It's true that it doesn't get easier. No mother will want their child to leave this world before them but I know that I am really blessed to have a daughter who is waiting for me in heaven. Every day is a day closer for me to meet her again. I just hope that Allah can forgive our sins and allow us to meet her in the place we can only pray to go to. #rnadiasabrina #strength4jibrael
13.1.15 - I never forget but thanks for reminding Macbook ♡ Uplifting mood today :D It's a beautiful day today and it's going to be a special day tomorrow :) Flashbacks of that beautiful day 2 years ago running in my head. Singing "what a feeling in my soul, love burns brighter than sunshine. Let the rain fall I don't care, I'm yours and suddenly you're mine" by Aqualung. The same song I sang to my daughter Jibrael when she was in me exactly 2 years ago, that beautiful day. The last full day she was here with me. ♡ °♡ "Love will remain a mystery, but give me your hand and you will see. Your heart is keeping time with me. " All praises to the Creator for the beautiful memories and for blessing me with the unconditional love a mother has to her child. Blessed to be a mother to Jibrael who's too beautiful for earth she had to go to heaven 12 hours after she was born in this world. Alhamdulillah. I miss her. But that is what happens when we love someone. We miss them when they are away. May we all reunite one sweet day @kneok #strength4jibrael
13.1.15 - Leaning on LOVE. (Can you see it?) I can't believe tomorrow is going to be 2 years of me being a mother to my angel, Jibrael :) I'm grateful to the Creator for blessing me with a child in heaven. In my mind, my heart and my prayers always. I will miss you till the day we reunite again. I look forward to that one sweet day :) A beautiful moment it shall be, beyond imagination. #strength4jibrael
14.1.15 - Today is a special day. 14.1.15. Happy 2nd birthday to my beautiful angel Jibrael who I am sure is having a wonderful time up in heaven. :) I wonder how you've been but heaven is beautiful beyond imagination. :D Exactly 2 years ago Mama gave birth to you and your Abah @kneok & I officially became parents to you, our eldest daughter Putri Jibrael Zumirrah. Remembering those moments when I saw you came out of my belly makes me smile. I'm just in awe of God's beautiful creation. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. 4.17am 14th January 2013. It was an emergency cesarean section surgery. I'm blessed to be your mother and for all the beautiful memories I had since the day I was pregnant. I look forward to the day our family will be complete again. May God reunite us again one sweet day. Hopefully together with your younger siblings too InsyaAllah ♡ I miss you and I love you very much. Continuous Al-Fatihah and prayers for you. °
Ya Allah, please convey our love, our longing and this message to my daughter. Increase our dependency on You alone and grant us strength and energy to go through this life that you have blessed us with in this world. Forgive us all and please reward each and everyone of those who has been supportive and has been really kind to us throughout this journey. ° ♡ °
Picture from @angelmommies #strength4jibrael
14.1.15 - When I read the beautiful words from my daughter's father in his post, I am reminded of the tears of happiness when we finally got to meet her and then the tears of pain when we found out she had to leave this world too soon. The day she was born and lived for 12 hours outside my womb 14.1.13 will forever be a special day in our lives. She left us to go to a much better place. May we all strive to go there too. ° ♡ °
Repost By Jibrael's Abah @kneok "Two years to the day you drove me to tears,
For the utter joy of your birth against all odds.
I gently spoke of your mama's strength and our love for you in your ears,
And praised the Almighty for you were truly a gift from God.
14.1.15 - A tiny little heart, cut out. Having a quiet family dinner with @kneok without her. We wish we could celebrate with her. It's just us two. I must admit that today reminds me of all the beautiful moments with my daughter but it is not easy because it is also the same date that she left. But it's her second year in heaven :) Alhamdulillah, she is in a better place and God has a better plan for her. I have to thank everyone for the wishes and prayers today especially here. And for the few who personally messaged me or called me. It means a lot ♡ You have no idea. #strength4jibrael
9.1.15 - Our favorite day... Friday... January 9th... 5 days to go. Searching for comforting words and found this. God tests whom He loves. May He grant us strength and bring us closer to His Love through all trials and tribulations. Peace and blessings upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad. All praises to the Creator who inspires. #notetoselfandothers #strength4jibrael
See Her Due Date : 13.4.14 : Expect the Unexpected XV from my Expect the Unexpected notes. 10 months note and 11.4.14 : Qadriyya Turns 2 : Expect the Unexpected XIV too.
PEACE & LOVE!