His Birthday Eve Without Her at Home : Expect the Unexpected XIII
1:53:00 PM
The night of 4th April 2013. More than 1 year ago. Yes, it took me one year to post this. I thought of posting this long time ago but there are just so many feelings in my heart and thoughts in my mind that are too hard to be explained and delayed me from posting this post.
Since the husband has been at work since this morning (yes, it is normal for lawyers to work on Sundays) so I thought of writing and posting this very much delayed post. :)
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Yesterday, 5th April 2013, was my husband's 30th birthday, but today I am posting the pictures of his 29th birthday. It only feels like yesterday. The past year, has been moving in slow motion for me. Unexpected.
I am not going to try to explain how I feel and my thoughts last year. Or now. I'm just going to put all this photos here for memories sake. There are things that are just not easy to be explained. If I try, probably it will take me another year to post. :) So, I am not going to try again now.
Last 4th April 2013 was the first time we celebrate his birthday eve, first time as a parent, as a father. :)
I was just done with pantang (confinement) after giving birth in January at that time. About 1 month after end of pantang. But I still couldn't bring myself to go out much. Those close to me had to pull me out of the confinement room I stayed in. As usual at that period, I was at home at Damai. We have moved from that home to another place last year though.
After I was out from staying in the hospital for 78 days, those who are close to me, relatives and friends would come home to visit me once in a while. I had 3 months of maternity leave and I stayed at home most of the time. I still could not bring myself to work too at that time. I did not like to go out as everything felt alien after being in the hospital for quite awhile facing multiple traumas.
I wore a lot of makeup for him that day. Eventhough we were just at home but I wanted to look pretty for his special day. :) My tudung was super messy though. Hehe.
My aunt Ende Cho, Uncle Cho, cousin Yeop Rizal, heavily pregnant wifey Fasha Sandha and nephew Putra Rayqal wanted to visit the family that day. My dad still had his body brace on due to his accident. (Expect the Unexpected II). That day, my mother cooked my favourite gulai tempoyak ikan patin and rendang pedas ayam. (who's birthday was it again?). :) Fasha who was about to give birth to Rayfal at that time had cravings of the gulai tempoyak too as she saw my IG pictures of the gulai. My brother bought the cake from a nearby cake shop and it just so happens that Yeop and Fasha bought a cake too. So we had two cakes! :D
While we were busy talking and chatting at the dining table. Yeop made a lot of jokes and made me laughed quite a lot with his jokes that night. Khubayb played with Rayqal at the living room. Khubayb naturally loves kids even before he became a father. We are blessed to have them at our place that night.
My husband does not really like to celebrate birthdays since I first got to know him actually. It is not his thing. But I know he's appreciative of having everyone that night. Not, just us two. We are both grateful. Our family, relatives and friends who came and supported us throughout our trying times till today are the ones who actually gave us strength to continue living, keep fighting the daily mental and emotional struggles and feel so blessed and thankful. Always in our mind and heart, no person is stronger then our own daughter Putri Jibrael Zumirrah for the struggle and fight she had to go through her whole lifetime in my belly and the 12 hours in this temporary world till her last breath. All strength comes from the Almighty.
I've written before on how birthdays, is not something easy for me to face for this past 1 year plus especially of those who are dearest. This only just started since the birth of my daughter and her death on the same day, 12 hours after. I've mentioned it in my birthday post Life Death, Reminders and Celebrations : Expect the Unexpected VIII. How I feel on my birthday is the same thing I feel on my husband's birthday as he and I are one unit.
Before Jibrael's birth we looked forward to bringing Jibrael to events. Her first this and that. Initially the EDD was near to the husband's birth date. We always imagined that we can celebrate their birthdays together. Before her birth we have already imagined having our baby with us with us for all birthdays, weddings and whatever events. Then, she left this world for a better place. A better home. This is what makes it difficult for me till today to go to events. A lot of triggers I myself am still learning to understand, fight and cope with. I try my best to make it look easy though.
The unexpected? The fact that we do not have our daughter Putri Jibrael Zumirrah with us. A pain that we will never be able to explain.
Expect the unexpected Sabrina...
On the day Jibrael was born and she left this world we have accepted that God has determined what's best. Blessed to have our daughter in heaven.
We keep reminding ourselves. We are so blessed. God has blessed us with so much blessings and gifts in this world. One of the best gift is our daughter in heaven. Our child in heaven. :)
To my husband Abdullah Khubayb and the father to our beautiful angel,
We are so blessed. No words can ever describe how thankful and blessed I am to have you as my husband and father to Jibrael. All praises to Allah.
May we reunite with her at Home. The Real Home. Eternal Bliss. Heaven InsyaAllah. :)
Imagining the unimaginable makes me smile with joy and happiness, and I know it has the same effect on you too. :)
Your wife and your daughter loves you very much and are super proud of you,
{Raja Nadia Sabrina & Putri Jibrael Zumirrah}
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Any day could be our last day in this world. We did not expect our child will leave before her parents. We did not expect it. So while we are still living, cherish the good moments, the beautiful memories and embrace the blessings that has been gifted by the Creator to us. Live as though today is our last day on earth. We never know what is going to happen next...
Expect the unexpected...
PEACE & LOVE!
I've written on the father of our child in 11 Months : A Dedication to My Daughter's Father .
This post is a continuation of the following posts in the Expect the Unexpected series:-
Surprise : A Special Birthday for Uncle K : Expect the Unexpected XII
Expect the Unexpected XI : Death
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