True Love : Part 1 : unworthy me

6:31:00 PM

It's been fifteen days since I left Makkah for my umrah. My heart, soul and mind is still there.

In the name of God, most Gracious and most Merciful.

To say that I miss Makkah (Mecca) and Madinah is an understatement. Since I came back, everything here seems so alien to me now. I missed Makkah and Madinah even before I left the Holy Land, if it makes sense (it will, if you've ever been in love). No words can describe how I felt then and how I'm feeling right now. The Greatness of God pierced my heart and soul. Menusuk qalbu.

Before I went off, at the airport, I did not know what to expect. To be honest, I did not expect it was going to be a life-changing experience. Little did I know. Too little. Extremely little. Still very little. I have a sudden thirst for knowledge which can bring me closer to Him. May God, our Creator and Fortune Giver bestow us all with rightful knowledge. 

I am writing this to share with you, but mostly I am writing this for myself. So that I can put in words these feelings that I feel, so I can look back and be reminded of what I felt. I'm trying to write as much as I can, because ultimately it is in our nature to forget. The word "Insan" (human / he who forgets) comes from the word "Nisyan" which means "to forget". I hope that I will not forget this feeling right now, and I hope God does not take away this Divine Love that He has bestowed upon me. I also hope readers of this post would understand that by me sharing my experience I am not writing this out of riya' or to show off (may God distance such a disease from my heart) but to just truly share this life-changing experience.  I hope you or those around me will remind me if ever I forget.

Before I stepped foot for the first time in Makkah, I was a jumble of mixed emotions. Although I was excited and happy beyond words, I was also very scared and apprehensive. Takut teramat sangat. Here I was, about to answer The Creator's call and all my sins flashed through my mind (what they say is true, it did happen). I have not been a good Muslim. How many times have I neglected His call, how many times have I prioritized the world instead of Him, the Creator of all things? All the sins that I have committed? I grew more nervous and scared. I'm this close to answering His call, but until it happened, I was just so worried and could not calm myself. So many things could go wrong, especially here, where every little thought you have is manifested instantly. Was I worthy? Would I be able to answer His call? Or would I be prevented from doing so? Would He even want to accept me and my repentance?

I was told that our beloved Prophet Muhammad asked forgiveness from God seventy seven (77) times a day by saying Astaghfirullah even though he was free from any sins. When I heard that I felt so embarrassed before God...

Until today, I can still remember the moment I set my right foot on the ground. It was an extremely beautiful feeling. Indah, beyond words. Subhanallah. Something I have never ever felt before. I felt a sense of relief. I felt overwhelmed by His Love. Even though I have not been a good Servant, He still allowed me to answer His call. He still let me step foot on the Holy Land of Mecca. I felt undeserving of that honour. Suddenly I was filled and flooded with a sense of hope. Of love. Of belonging. That despite whatever sins I have committed, for all the days in each of my years that I neglected Him and prioritized worldly matters, He still loved me enough to call me to Him, to save me from myself. This is True, unconditional Love. Love no humans can match. CINTA. 

It was at that moment that I finally felt that I have arrived on His Holy Land. But the feeling of unworthiness would not go away. So small and insignificant, I am.

On the whole, my umrah trip was a spiritually, emotionally and mentally fulfilling and satisfying journey for me. In the end the cracked heels, the back pains and other physical setbacks suffered were not felt at all when I was there (I am not as physically strong as I should be for my age as I don't do much exercise or any sports). His Nearness made me stronger and gave me strength to perform my umrahs. Even though the weather was extremely on the high side at 47 - 52 degrees celcius, with His Power I did not feel that it was hot at all. Alhamdulillah. The heat did not bother me for one second.

For the first time in my life I cried so much every single day and night I was there. At one point, I thought to myself: "where did all these tears come from?" as I couldn't stop it from falling down my cheeks. They were tears of repentance and of contentment mixed up at times. Now I understand when people talk about spiritual or emotional healing as I felt that was what was happening.  My soul was being healed.

I am reminded of the song by Lauryn Hill from the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill... 
"I know I am imperfect, and not without sin" 
"See what we now know is nothing compared, 
to the Love that was shown 
when our lives were spared"
(see my post in May 2011, The Timely Reminders)

When I was doing my tawaf around the kaabah, deep within my heart I felt grateful like I've never been before. I am still feeling it. I am thankful for the breathes that I am able to take. I am thankful that I've been blessed with perfect senses to see, speak and hear. The only thing for me to do now is to believe and to be aware of the signs of the Greatness of God from what I see, speak good things only and really listen to and obey His Call instead of just hearing. 

The trip has made me thankful for the water that I am able to drink and the food that I get to eat from the Provider. I am thankful that He actually showed me the true meaning of happiness. I found that the things that used to matter to me, did not matter or no longer mattered as much. Likewise, I suddenly felt that whatever problems I had are just problems I had to face. But I realized that no problems are too big. With God's guidance and as long as we turn to God we can actually face anything because God will not test us with problems that we would not be able to handle. In the past, I have been guilty of complaining about the small and little things. But after the eye-opening experience that I had there, I have actually realized that there should be nothing for me to complain. I hope I'll always remember this. Now, I am at peace. Now, I am more content than I've ever been before. But I know that these feelings must be strengthened. Cultivated. It is an on-going process.

I know some people do not need to go for umrah to be able to experience all this feelings but I guess my heart was hardened over the years. I have been a very stubborn person in the past. It needed to be softened.

I came back to Malaysia, enlightened. Like a dying man in the desert given a tiny drop of water, it is just enough to keep him alive, but not enough to quench his thirst. So I now thirst for more. His Knowledge, His Love, His acceptance.

I would just like to share with readers of this post, one of my favourite supplications (du'a). It was shared with me by my dear friend who was my roommate during my entire university life, Hartini Amir. 

"O God,
grant us your Divine Love, spread love and peace between us, 
grant us the love of those You Love,
grant us the love of those who love You,
grant us the love of doing the things that earn your Divine Love,
please make our love to You the thing that we love the most."

"Ya Allah,
kurniakan kami kecintaanMu,
kurniakan kami kecintaan terhadap mere yang Kau Cintai,
kurniakan kami kecintaan terhadap mereka yang mencintaiMu,
kurniakan kami kecintaan terhadap segala perkara yang mendekatkan kami kepadaMu dan Cinta Agung Mu,
jadikanlah cinta kami kepadaMu sebagai perkara yang paling kami cintai dan jadikanlah cinta ini lebih indah dari air yang sangat sejuk diteguk pada hari yang panas terik." 

There are so many more amazing stories that I would love to put on record and to share here in my blog. But, if I put everything in this post it will be one really long post. So, I'll continue writing some other time.

Meanwhile, below are some photos taken in Madina and Makkah. No picture can do justice to the beauty of the place. It is heart-felt, not just seen. Tiada gambar yang boleh menggambarkan keindahan susasana di sana.

Me outside Masjid Nabawi. So small. So insignificant.
I've searched for the light before but I did not search 
hard enough.
It was there all along.
Picture taken at Masjid Nabawi.
Masjid Nabawi - Miss the ambience and the aura
The lady on the wheelchair.
Outside Masjid Nabawi

 Got to know this sisters in my umrah group 
in search and seeking God's blessings.
(keredhaan Allah)
Heliza Helmi, Diana Amir, Ruzana Ibrahim
and Irma Hasmie.
May God protect us all in our process to be nearer to Him.

My other roommate other than my Ruzana Ibrahim,
Kak Haida.

With newly found sisters also in the process of 
trying to become nearer to God Almighty,
Yatt Hamzah, Heliza Helmi, Irma Hasmie and Diana Amir.
God is Great. Allahuakbar.
It's true, no picture could ever do justice to it.
Extremely thankful to be alive and to be able to experience and witness it. 

Masjidil Haram exterior at the back and 
King Abdul Aziz Gate No.1 which was one of more than 90 gates.
With Heliza Helmi, Diana Amir, Ruzana Ibrahim and Irma Hasmie

Outside King Abdul Aziz Gate, Masjidil Haram with beautiful souls.
Heliza Helmi, Diana Amir, Ruzana Ibrahim and Irma Hasmie

Dear readers, please correct me if I'm wrong in any way. 

All praises to God Almighty, the One and Only True Love.

For giving me the ability to feel and to believe.
Thank You for Your Love, for guiding me and for protecting me. 
Thank You for saving me from myself.
Pray that I'll live long enough to be Your guest again and again. 

Selamat menyambut Nisfu Shaaban. 

To be continued... :) God-willing. 

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  1. Assalamualaikum.

    Alhamdulillah finally you safely back in Malaysia.
    Makkah and Madinah really such a place where kita tak ingat hal dunia.
    I live in Jeddah now and inshaAllah forever kot. Hihihi.
    Sedih kot nak tinggalkan Makkah and Madinah.
    If balik Malaysia for vacation pun dah rindu. ;')
    Anyway, may Allah SWT ease everything in your life forever. Amin Ya Rabb.

  2. alhamdulilah =)

    seronoknye bile tngok org dpt pergi umrah =D
    closer to HIM,see the miracle of Makkah.Masyallah =)

  3. Alhamdulillah...

    i baca pun menangis..tak tau la kalau i dah sampai sana...selalu mendoakan dapat pergi Mekah..

  4. assalamualaikum,

    i like ur jubah (coloured one) can u tell me where did u buy? in mekah or madinah n the shop area? i'm going for umrah this ramadhan, insyaallah.

    there's no place like mekah n madinah, been there once and wanting to go agin n again!

  5. yup beyond words to describe the feeling... :)

  6. Salam sis,
    I went umrah too on 300512 - 130612, and masyaallah I felt the exact same feelings as you. From the days nearing to my departure to the holy land and days when I was there. How insignificant I was but He called me to reach His holy land. And I cannot be anymore grateful to Him.
    There were no days that passed without me thinking or missing His place. I pray that u have a mabrur umrah :)
    Syaz (singapore)

  7. Mashaa Allah! May we be able to return to Madinah Al Munawwarah and Makkah Al Mukarramah again inshaa Allah =))

  8. lot of thanks to God for that full-fill my wish to might pay Umrah & i like your Jubah are very good & a sign of Muslim women.this is good insight are very useful content.

  9. Alhamdulillah have given the opportunity to go to mecca..hope we will be under His grace,,insyaallah,,feel free to check out my blog thank you..ur blog reader..

  10. Salam. Have been your silent reader since last year. Love your sense of fashion& style. Am looking fwd to more posts soon, InsyaAllah.

  11. Salaam, Maa Sha Allah, you and these girls are so pretty. May Allah protect you all Insha Allah.

    I want to ask you to read this, it's not my blog or something. This is not spam. It's about our brothers and siters in Burma. Would you please sign this and share this? Djazaak Allah.

  12. can u do tutorial on how to wear hijab like u. i like to see ur loose style. pleaaaasssseeeee

  13. I went umrah too on March 2010 and Februaru 2011, and masyaallah I felt the exact same feelings as you. After came home, i feel wanna go here again again and again. I feel so refresh after went Madinah&Mekkah . Subhanallah, everyday i'm praying to Allah, for wanna go Madinah&Mekkah again :)


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