Peace be upon all of you. Assalamu’alaikum.
A lot of people have asked me how I am. My updates. I am thankful to have people who are concerned about my wellbeing. My standard answer?:
Alhamdulillah, I’m progressing well and recovering slowly. Praises to God for all the blessings. Thankful for the gift of being a mother. Jibrael’s mother.
That is how I feel. That is an honest answer but only a little part of it. It doesn’t reflect everything I feel. Honestly, what is a very simple and well-meaning question does not have an easy answer, at least for me. And I still haven’t figured how to answer that question ever since I was in the hospital until today.
It has been a roller coaster of a journey emotionally. The untold joy, feeling and experience of being a mother for the first time, then suddenly being put under strict bedrest in the hospital on your birthday when you thought everything would be fine, having to fight and struggle for 78 days to preserve your beloved child’s and your own life, going through an emergency c-section when you least expected it, the greatest feeling of delivering your baby safely into this world, being able to see and talk face to face to your baby for a brief moment before having to say goodbye and then having to straight away grieve and recover in confinement without your child has just been a lot to take. I gave everything that I had. It is a mixture of all kinds of feelings, mentally and emotionally.
For this whole experience that God has put me through, I would not trade or exchange it for anything. A friend asked me if I could turn back time without being able to change the outcome, would I choose to go through this again? Without hesitation I answered that I would do it all over again. I understand not everyone will ever get to know how I feel exactly or would want to, in the same circumstances.