Life Changes
5:35:00 PM
Nothing is permanent. Change is unavoidable. It is often said that changes in life are inevitable. That change is the only constant in life. I totally agree. It is also said that there are two types of changes. The small, little, unnoticeable changes that accumulates and snowballs into a big change. Then there are the 180-degrees type of change that really turns your life around, or upside down, or all at the same time. Again, totally agree. Everything in life is temporary.
It's a little funny, in a weird way, that I was pondering the concept of change in one of aere's collections called CHANGE.
I wrote about this a few times in this blog including my posts EMBRACING CHANGE, A PROUD CHANGE, CHANGE : MY UNIVERSE, IMAGES CHANGE, CHANGE IS COMING, FEET ON THE GROUND, DESERT WAVES and NOSTALGIA AND MODERNITY. Personally for me even though a lot has happened since I wrote them the messages in it is still very much relevant till this very moment and some are even timely reminders for me to go through whatever it is that I am going through right this very moment.
These pictures of me in this all black outfit captured by my husband Khubayb in London for the CHANGE collection in February earlier this year, seems like a lifetime ago. Because a few months ago I have been tested with lots of changes in my life. I thought about this a lot of times on whether I should share this here or not. But I think it's about time I should.
Since even before my last post TIME OFF EVERYTHING till now, I have been on medical leave. I still am. I was in the hospital for three weeks and the weeks after that are filled with more hospital visits, appointments, treatments, pills, painkillers, until today and most probably for a long time. I've been diagnosed with several sicknesses, illnesses, conditions and one of it is a chronic illness. At first, I thought that my illness, although painful was a mild and temporary condition that can be cured, and I can go back to living life normally once I was healed. I didn't mind if the healing might take me a few months. As long as I can go back to being 'normal' again. Surely, modern science and medicine can cure everything right?
Looking back, I guess I was initially in denial but sooner or later I forced myself to accept the fact. My doctor confirmed a number of times and was insistent everything I asked him, that my illness is severe. He refused to sugarcoat what I was suffering from and refused to give me false promises and raise my hopes. I really wanted some good news from him, some light at the end of the tunnel, but he didn't give it to me. And because of that, I had no choice but to accept what he has been telling me from day one.
Turns out what I was diagnosed with is not a temporary curable condition. That the pain I've been living with all these years and never told anyone, the pain that I tried to ignore every day when I was studying, working all these years, for so long that I can't even remember when I never had such pain, it's not going away. It's here to stay. In fact it has gotten much worse because I've endured and tried to ignore it for so long. This is the new normal for me. Another test that has affected me physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.
Now when I think of it I suddenly understand why certain things happened the way it did. Now that I have been diagnosed it explains why certain things happened which I didn't understand before.
Lots of things have changed. Since my illnesses got worse. Lots. Good and bad. I'm still not very mobile right now. Wheelchair and crutches are like my bestfriends right now. I'm not fit to do the things that I used to so easily. Even daily necessities. I'm on a lot of meds including a number of painkillers just to be able to go through my daily basic activities. When I say basic, I'm talking about just getting out of bed, taking a shower, eating, sleeping. I need assistance for the simplest thing that I used to take for granted. Doing the little things require a lot of effort and the pain killers are needed to reduce the amount of pain to get through it. I'm also undergoing some treatments requiring me to spend half of my week in the hospital.
I'm not ready to share what I am diagnosed with and I choose to keep it private for now as I myself am still adapting, learning and trying to understand my conditions. Alhamdulillah unlike when I was first diagnosed, I'm now more accepting of whats going on and just taking it one step at a time. These past few months have given me more clarity and focus on the things that matters in life. These past few months have also shown me who really cared. I've had to let go of a number of things I've held on to and has been so attached to in my previous life. I've had to slow down everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, as I adjust to this new state that I am in. I have not been able to honour some of my responsibilities and obligations, either family, work or social because of my health.
Right now, my ultimate focus is on my health, recovering and healing - mind, body and soul. So much so, that I have taken a step back from social media which used to be a huge part of my work and life without even realising it. I think I haven't posted much for more than 3 months.
I mean I did post 5 posts on IG since that post explaining about my TIME OFF EVERYTHING. Three posts about the humanitarian mission I've been involved in since earlier this year including promoting a charity sale of me giving my clothes away for the said humanitarian mission, one sponsored post that I did about health and KEEPING HEALTHY ON THE GO which I have actually prepared and drafted months before that and one post on aere's release sharing a video of me shot by Khubayb at the Shard London earlier this year. It is something that if I look at myself 6 months ago, would not be something ever possible for me as I was extremely active on social media especially Instagram.
During this time also I did not manage to take a single OOTD due to my health reasons and it is something that I used to do almost every single day, not just during work days but even on weekends, even family time, even supposedly short 2 or 3 days getaways which didn't become getaways because I wanted to cram in so much OOTDs for my work. You get the drill. But.
3 months. It went in a blink of an eye. Your perspective can really change, when life changes.
I had so much that I want to share. I still do. But life, with all its unexpected twists and turns and changes, can really derail your course. I'll let it guide me. And just go with the flow.
The photos that I'm sharing here in this post were captured by Khubayb, under the rain. It was super duper cold. I remember I was in pain when this was taken but as usual I ignored it. We were on the way to Pure London where aere was one of the brands showcasing at the trade show earlier this year. As soon as I reached the venue for the exhibition I changed my shoes but I was actually still fighting my pain.
During my stay in London, I took shots of 16 looks. I remember the previous trip before where I went to Dubai I actually shot about 20 looks and almost everything were posted here on the blog. However, for the London trip as much as I wanted to post everything when I got back, I started to get even more busy when an opportunity to go to Dubai came, and then it was the busiest time of the year, aere's Eid collection, two different fashion shows for Eid here in KL and then I was invited to go to my first humanitarian mission to India in April which I really wanted to join to contribute to the society. In between all that my elder son Elhan was hospitalised twice for a long time. So I was just too busy at work and being a mom to even notice or take action about the pains that I was going through which affected my overall wellbeing.
But back to my point, at that time I was busy doing all these OOTDs and I had already planned on sharing them at that time, here on my blog and then IG. But now, 8 months down the road, I am only posting the third look out of 16 looks after 3 months of not having a single OOTD, 3 months of not being able to stand and take any, not being fit, just immobile and looking at these photos and looking at myself at that time I would never have imagined that 8 months down the line I would be immobile or not able to do the things that I used to do on the daily, well almost.
I'm grateful that I have these memories of doing the things that I cannot do now because of my limitations.
Life is short. I was reminded of this when my first child left this world and now again, when I found out about my own condition. It forced me to set my priorities straight when before it was just me talking about it.
In ELHAN'S HEALTH SCARE I mentioned how when it happened I felt like it was a slap to my face. And it hit me hard. But this time, with all the things happening this past few months, are just really like MULTIPLE NON STOP slaps, and pushes and kicks to my face, oh no actually my whole body. It really has been one after another in terms of health. It is not all bad though as going through all this makes me realise and learn more about life, about our purpose here, about myself, about my surroundings and the people around me.
So right at this very moment I'm thankful for these challenges, trials and tests.
Feelings change though. Perspectives change too as life changes. I'd be lying if I said that I'm going through it pretty well or that its easy or that I'm positive about it all the time coz clearly it is a negative situation. And of course now I'm more positive and all accepting about it so thats why I can type this out and share this right now. But honestly there are a lot of times that I don't feel like this and don't even feel like talking to anybody about it or when people ask me about my condition and I don't want to talk about it. I am human. Imperfect and flawed. But even in a negative situation a lot of positives actually come out of it too. We might not realise it but it does slowly make an appearance or sometimes surface, if you trust in His plans for you, and try to look for the positives in every situation.
We all already know it but sometimes we need to go through some of the hardest things in life to be reminded of it, really realise it, experience it and appreciate it. These two hits me hard right now and so I'm leaving you till my next post with these words of wisdom :
"With each hardship comes relief"
"It can be that you hate something but its good for you,
and you love something so much but it is bad for you".
These two are few of the many that actually get me through most of my days and pushes me to continue to fight the pain, the sicknesses and basically just try to erase those thoughts or whispers saying, right now is the perfect moment for you to just give up. And I'm thankful that He has saved me from giving up despite whatever has happened, known and unknown.
Till next time, take care everyone. Really take care of yourself, your health and overall wellbeing. Do not wait till it's too late, like me. Life is short so if you feel that something is not right, do take the necessary actions, consult a doctor and talk to someone about it. Everything else, can wait. I know this now but I have learned it the hard way. So really, do take care.
May God protect us all from harm, danger, sicknesses and evil.
May whatever we go through, good or bad, bring us closer to Him and bring us towards the right path.
May we always realise the Ultimate goal.
May we all get to go to heaven after we leave this world.
May we always be blessed by Him through good times and bad times.
May we always be reminded of the Ultimate purpose of this life.
May we always be reminded that the One we truly need to please is Our Creator, not His creations.
May we persevere and continuously be patient throughout the life changes that we go through.
May we never be tested with more that what we can bear in this world.
May we always be filled with contentment and be blessed with His LOVE, our one True Love, the Most Merciful, the Most Loving always. The One who never leaves our side even when we err and make mistakes. The One who created us and gave us the air that we are breathing in and out every second.
"Do not leave our soul to ourselves even in a blink of an eye."
Photos by my husband Khubayb
Outfit :
aere's ZELDA Pants
aere's CHANGE Top
Both from the CHANGE collection
which was showcased in KLFW, Singapore, Dubai and London
Sugarscarf
ZARA Jacket
PEACE & LOVE!
5 comments
I don't know what you go through but I can feel that you are in so much pain. At the same time, I can also feel your positivity and your strength going through all that. May Allah always protect you and ease your journey to recovery. Take care and stay strong. Much love for you ♥️♥️
ReplyDeleteMy doa for u may Allah ease the pain and challenges that you are going through.. thank you for your doa and words of comfort at the end ❤ such beautiful reminder..
ReplyDeleteMy prayers for you dear R Nadia Sabrina. Hugs
ReplyDeleteStay strong sis. I know it is not easy but may Allah swt always give you the strength to face all this. My prayers are always with you sis. Get well soon. From a fan of yours in Singapore. <3
ReplyDeletecan i own that jacket?
ReplyDeletecat rumah // menu berpantang // shawl // telekung