It must have been over a month since I really went out, let alone go out on a date with the husband. He planned out this first date for us, after over a month or so of us not been out for a decent outing together. Inside, I felt like jumping up and down the day before when he told me about the plan, but physically I couldnt. So I just danced happily and privately at the thought of going out for the first time after a very long while. I felt.
Some may have noticed, some may have not, that I haven't been uploading any recent photos for over a month. Actually I myself did not even notice it until I received private messages and whatsapps from acquaintances, friends and relatives asking me whether I'm okay. Some people found it quite weird as I'm a blogger and I've always been disciplined in sharing at least a photo or two of recent happenings daily on my IG, if not on the blog. However, this past month I've been dealing with an unexpected emergency which turned out to be something medically too. I'm not comfortable to talk about it yet though as it is something very personal but suffice to say that because of what happened, I had to change my normal ways and learn to deal with it in ways that I could never have imagined.
Because of this personal matter, I haven't been able to go out. I haven't been able to resume daily activities, attend events and all the other things that I was usually able to do. I can't even remember the last time I actually dressed up to go out, let alone having makeup on etc. Weirdly enough when I was going through what I was going through, I didn't really miss it as I was just focused on dealing with what I had to and wanted to deal with. It felt okay and it is as though I have found a new normality. A different kind of normal as I adjusted myself to the new situation.
However, when Khubayb tried to bring me out a few days ago, slowly I became excited. I put on some makeup and it felt good because I haven't done so for a very long time. After I got ready, I sent a photo via whatsapp to him just before he came back from work and lets just say I was super happy with his response. :D Something felt missing but I was still really excited.
It felt weird going out but it really felt to me as if I was going out travelling so far away. He brought me somewhere which is only 20 minutes away from our home but I felt like we were travelling overseas. It might sound like I'm exaggerating a lot but that was what it felt like for me. It's as if I was seeing very single detail for the first time. I noticed things that I didn't notice before when I go out of the house. It's so hard to describe. It's as if everything that I saw was something I've never seen before as I felt like I was seeing everything in a new light. It was night time though so I didn't get to see the sky but it felt good. I felt happy. I just appreciated being out even though suddenly things seemed a little alien to me now. It's as though I had a different outlook that day.
He wanted to pamper and treat me after what I've been through so he brought me to a spa place called Bali Ayu which a friend of mine introduced to me (Veen Dee) and a place that I've been to with a few of my girlfriends (Marissa, Min Jee, Hui Chin & Atika) before. I've also brought my mother there too.
It was good. The masseuse who was treating me was very good and she was VERY talkative! She saw my C-section scar and asked me about me giving birth and asked me how many children I have. I said that I've been in confinement before and had the normal massages or hot stone (tunku) during confinement (pantang).
She also asked whether my pantang packages included bathing the baby, but I told her that it wasn't included because my daughter passed away 12 hours after she was born so I didn't get to bring her home. Basically, when your baby dies, your confinement lady will just need to take care of you and not your baby. My baby was no longer here even though I had given my all to fight and make her stay here. Anyways, we had a good conversation while she was treating me and it felt therapeutic talking to someone about my baby. Eventhough a lot of people had forgotten that I'm a mother to my daughter in heaven but I have never forgotten (and will never forget). It felt great when someone acknowledges that I'm still a mother and that my chid existed briefly in this world, who is now eternally in heaven.
Physically and emotionally, I felt that the treatment I had that night was good for me and helped to rejuvenate my body.
Oh, just before leaving the house, after being all dressed up, I ate this spinach and mushroom crustless quiche with salad for dinner. I get different types of healthy food delivered to me daily for lunch and dinner as I slowly try to change my eating habits. It's been over 2 weeks now. It looks super healthy but at the same time it's really yummy!
I'm truly blessed to have Khubayb to be the strongest love and support throughout what I've been through this past few months and I must say that it has brought us closer than ever. Our date really felt as though it was our first date ever for me and I was excited as a kid who's just arrived at Disneyland every step of the way that night. I was smiling all the way.
Yesterday, I re-read my previous post Rediscovering the World blogged about 2 years 9 months ago when I just started to go out after a half year period going through a beautifully traumatic experience when I was carrying my daughter, gave birth to her and when she died. I get goosebumps reading that post as I did not imagine that I will ever write a continuation to that post and Galaxy Maxi : Rediscovering 2. Of course this time it's a different thing altogether but at times it felt quite similar. Its something that I can't compare and don't want to compare though.
And looking back at that post, it was also Khubayb who was the one who was the strong one planning to get me out and face the world through whatever we were going through. All praises to the True Love who blesses us with love.
After leaving the spa place, he brought me to a place to do some DVD shopping and then we went to have supper. He ordered the Sake San pizza : Salmon slivers, roe, cherry tomatoes, mozzarella, Japanese mayo, lollo rosso and a hint of wasabi for us to share. I ordered the Skin Dip juice : apple, peach, pear & basil leaves. What's not to love?!
We all have our different set of struggles and challenges. Mostly hidden. I really hope, as mentioned in my previous post, that we are all able to just go through it, one step at a time. Whatever that we have to go through, may God ease our path and do not test us with more than what we can bear. And whatever we go through, may we have the strength to stand back up when we fall and the strength to stand back up each time we fall. In life, we will definitely fall more than once. And we need to be strong to stand back up. And now, I'm slowly, slowly, learning to stand back up. May we embrace new beginnings and the new chapters of our lives after an experience that might change our lives forever.
Till my next post!
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