Visiting My Daughter : Expect the Unexpected XVI
5:56:00 PM
Some see it as a blessing, some
see it as a problem, some see it as a gift.
Today, I will be blogging about
my gift.
My extremely precious gift.
As I said in my previous post A Fresh New Start, I haven’t been pouring my heart out in the blog this past few
months because of a few incidents that happened to me. That is why I’ve only
been blogging about only my looks etc. I couldn’t express what I have been
feeling. Everything was just on the surface.
I promised in my post Stellar Kandi that I am going to blog about my raya diaries. It was easy to share happy
pictures on Instagram, but it took quite a while for me to share about my
feelings on Raya on my own blog.
I was very hesitant. Because
sharing my raya would mean sharing about her. My baby. I love sharing about my
daughter. I love to share about people dear to me or anything that I love. But
I know that there are people who do not like it when I share about my late daughter
based on some of the hurtful comments that I received from followers on IG or in the blog.
But you know what? I feel that if other parents can
share whatever they like about their children, well, I can too.
I miss using my blog to express
myself and and my feelings about her. It feels nice to get to talk about her.
Other than praying and talking to the Creator about my feelings, or talking to my family about how I feel, I find writing
(or blogging) very therapeutic.
So, today I decided to start sharing about my
raya story. Here at a cafe near my apartment because I need to use their wifi. The husband has just left to go to his office about almost two hours ago to prepare for a hearing that he has to handle tomorrow morning. So, it's just me, my laptop, soya cincau and pau kaya with me now.
Anyways...
It started the night before the
last day of fasting. I broke fast and did the tarawikh prayers with my in-laws and slept at their place. Had a
lovely sahur with them.
And then, that morning straight
from my in-laws house my husband and I went to visit my daughter’s grave. My in-laws visited her the day before.
This is our second
Raya as parents to Jibrael. Last year (see Black Eid) me, my husband and the whole
family went to visit her grave on the morning of raya. But this year my husband
and I decided to go a day before raya.
It was difficult and I am not
going to lie and say that it was easy. It is always difficult evertyime I go to
her grave. Because I never expected in my entire life that I would ever have to
visit my child’s grave. I always thought that it should be the other way
around.
But, I am blessed because through
this pain and sacrifice, I am blessed with a child in heaven. Heaven... The place we can all only pray and try our best to be worthy to go to. All praises to
the Creator for this gift. However painful, however bittersweet. He always has
a better plan for us than we can imagine. I am truly blessed.
I remember the difficult
conversation I had with the person who was in charge to do up Jibrael’s tombstone
earlier this year.
Me:
Saya nak buat kubur...
Her:
Kubur siapa ya?
Me:
Kubur ... anak saya...
Her:
Berapa tahun dia meninggal?
Me:
Tak sampai sehari dia hidup... dia hidup 12 jam lepas tu dia meninggal.
Her:
Okay sebab nak anggar luas or panjang kubur tu. Nak kubur yang macam mana tu?
Me:
Saya nak yang ada kayu kat tepi lepas tu ada batu nisan yang warna putih macam marble tu.
Her:
Oh, nak tulis apa ya?
Me:
… (blank.) … Nama... Boleh tak kalau saya sms apa yang saya nak tulis? Saya nak bincang
dengan suami saya dulu.
Her:
Bila dia meninggal?
Me:
14 Januari 2013.
Her:
Nak dekat setahun dah……
And then it hit me.
… It took me quite a while to
recover from that ‘simple’ less than 5 minutes conversation. It was something I have never ever imagine I would have to go through in my life... ever.
Expect the unexpected...
Expect the unexpected...
When she asked me all these
unexpected questions: what sort of grave I wanted, how big, what I wanted to
write on the tombstone and most importantly, when she made me realize that it
was almost a year since she passed away and I haven’t even done her grave, it
hit me hard. Really really hard. I didn’t know what to expect when I called her
up, but each question felt like a knife stab, re-opening all the wounds I tried
to cover up. The pain I’ve tried my best to mask to the whole world.
I would never imagine that I have
to go through thinking of what to write on my child’s batu nisan (tombstone). Even
that was very difficult. Different people grieve differently. I know at Jibrael’s
grave, I saw a lot of people do up their child’s grave as soon as possible but
for me it took a really long while. It is just too difficult for both me and my
husband. To say the least.
But you know what, we are going
to take it one step at a time.
We can’t always distract
ourselves and at some point in time we must face what we need to do. It gets
more painful the longer we avoid it. It hurts more when we try to suppress the
pain. Like a physical wound if you keep it unattended, it will get worse in
time.
But its also important to face
them one step at a time. Realising what we need to do is the first step in this
situation. And sometimes, the first step is the hardest.
On another note, when we were at
her grave and reciting prayers for her I could not stop thinking about how
happy and how beautiful it must be there up in heaven where she resides. She
does not have to suffer, or feel pain, or live in a world where we will worry
that she will be harmed. For all her struggles and pain in this world, God has
chosen to reward her immediately. What better reward can there be other than be
promised heaven by the One who created everything that exists? None.
I am so proud of her. My blessed and
strong beautiful angel, Putri Jibrael Zumirrah. I am truly blessed to receive
her as my first daughter, a beautiful gift from the Creator. My inspiration to
become a better human being. Just as she has been a gift to me, she has
inspired me to become a gift to others too. I know I am nowhere near her. I am weak, but she is so strong. I haven’t
contributed much to my loved ones, but she has contributed everything that she
has to us her loved ones. Her existence in this world when she was in me and
when she was in this world for that precious 12 hours has taught me so much
about life. She fought to breathe. She fought to live. She fought to meet her
parents with all her might.
Do we try hard enough to live and
be the best we can be to the people around us? Especially the ones who love us
the most?
Compared to her, I feel that I
haven’t contributed anything to the ones around me.
She has opened up my eyes. She
has made me realize a lot of things which I did not realize I was doing wrong.
I feel that slowly Jibrael has turned me into a better individual than the
person I was before. I am trying my best to strive and become a better individual
to everyone around me.
All praises to God for the best
gift I could ever receive. My first daughter, who now resides in heaven. The
one who turned me into a mother.
Alhamdulillah.
May God guide me and the rest of
my family to meet her again. It is something I pray for every day, and it will
be the most beautiful meeting ever.
Mama can’t wait to see you again,
Jibrael. One sweet day.
The above is a picture of the
cover of a checklist notebook that my dear sister Hasanah Hilmi did for me and
my husband. She did this when I was pregnant with Jibrael and she gave it to me
during my confinement period. It is one of the sweetest things I have ever
received from a friend.
A continuation of Her Due Date : 13.4.14 : Expect the Unexpected XV
PEACE & LOVE!
7 comments
I'm a first time reader to your blog. Your journey has touched me so much. I'm sure the emotional n physical pain can be crippling at times, yet you handle this test with such grace n dignity. Alhamdulillah. I'd like to thank you too for inspiring me to be a better mother to my own daughter n a better person overall. I sincerely pray you will meet your sweet angel again, one beautiful day. InsyaAllah Amin. Salam.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time reading your blog, and the first time ever commenting on others blog. I'm your instagram follower since few months back and this entry really touch my heart. May Allah grant you His blessing and shower you with lots of happiness in your life. Thank you for sharing..
ReplyDeletesabrina, stay strong, i know how it feels...Allah is great and may u have strength sampai bila2...itu memori u dgn dia and no one can say anything pun. itu hak u. tak adil utk u kalau org suruh u lupakan. i doakan u dikurniakan zuriat lagi, insyaAllah amin :)
ReplyDeleteI always love to read your story bout your daughter,it is up to parent to choose their way to express their feelings bout their kids,n you choose to write it in your blog,easiest,since the blog won't talking back to you while you pouring your heart,won't cut your 'conversation' unless there is happen a wifi disturbance.your daughter is up there,watching you,maybe even praying for you,don't a give a damn on how people condemning your obituary,they have no idea how hard for you to keep on smiling after your great fall.
ReplyDeleteAs salam, kali pertama saya singgah blog ini dan rasa berterima kasih sesangat dengan perkongsian dalam blog sdri.Meski Ujian hidup kita tidak sama, dengan pengalaman yang sdri kongsikan, saya bersyukur berada ditempat saya.Saya belajar menghargai apa yg saya ada dengan membaca kisah sedih sdri.semoga sdri tabah dan dikurniakan segala duka dan ujian yang dihadapi dgn sesuatu yang lebih baik..amin..:)
ReplyDeleteSalam dear. This entry touched my heart...If you feel like writing about your beautiful daughter, please do so. U have every right to do it. U loved her from the minute she was conceived, to the day she was born & u will continue to love her till the day you meet her again, InsyaAllah. Pls stay srong & percaya lah pasti ada hikmahnya.
ReplyDeleteI've had 2 unsuccessful pregnancies, though i didn't have the chance to hold them in my arms, I still think & miss them till this day. Alhamdulillah Allah has now granted me with 3 boys (triplets), but I do think of myself as having 5 kids - 3 here with me, and 2 there with God :-)
life is too short. don't go to bed angry that's all I got to say.
ReplyDelete