Super long post pouring my heart out and sharing more than 20 pictures capturing the contented and happy me on 1.11.13.

I love Fridays. To me, Friday is a day of celebration. No, I'm not talking about the TGIFs people always seem to say every week, just because weekend is approaching.

It has always been my husband and my favourite day when I was carrying Jibrael on strict bedrest in the hospital for 76 days. Friday always reminds me of the beautiful memories of my husband and I when I had Jibrael inside me. When I was carrying her in my belly. Friday was our special day. Sweet beautiful memories that always make me smile :)

1st November 2012 was a date that changed my life. It was the date that I was hospitalized to fight for Jibrael's life. A new chapter of my life had begun. Being on strict bed rest for 76 days, giving birth to Jibrael and then going into confinement changed me and brought me valuable experiences that I could have never expected. My daughter taught me so much. About life, about unconditional love, about death, about inner strength and about our ultimate purpose in life, among other things. Life lessons inspired by the Ultimate Giver. On the morning of 14th January 2013, me and my husband became parents to our first daughter Jibrael, and a few hours after that, we became parents of a child in heaven. An experience I'll never forget. An amazing gift from the Creator.

It all started on 1st November 2012. My birthday. 

Dian, one of my closest colleague, recently told me that she had actually planned to do a birthday surprise for me last year with my other colleagues. She has already planned the balloons and everything else. But it did not happen because of the unexpected complication to my pregnancy and my hospitalization. What was not meant to be, will not be. What's meant to be, will be. God knows best. He is the Best of Planners, the Ultimate.

My friend who's more like a dear sister to me, Hasanah Hilmi reminded me this of birthdays:

When we reach our day of birth, it also means that we are closer to death. Although it is customary that we celebrate it out of joy, we should remind ourselves of death.

Rather than celebrating it for fun we need to reflect, on the gifts that we have been blessed with. And that we are going closer to death. What preparations have we made since we are going even closer to death? This hit me hard because it reminded me of how ignorant I was in the past. Our preparations will never be enough because we need to remain consistent in learning and and keep on going to become a better person than we were yesterday to seek the pleasures of the ONE who created us.

This year, I am reminded of death. Not just my own as I'm aging, but of my daughter. She's no longer here. I'm reminded of the beautiful memories I managed to spend with her, of the beautiful moments that Monday morning at the time I gave birth to her, of the time I finally met her after I delivered her via c-section that Monday, and her death every single moment of the day. I'm reminded of the beautiful overwhelming feeling of happiness and joy when I gave birth to her and hearing her beautiful voice and having her fingers grabbed mine, only to then carry her dead body in my arms a few hours after that. Yes, I'm reminded of this every single day. More so, during birthdays. So it is not that difficult for me to be reminded of death during all the birthdays I come across, I have to face. My child, whom I carried, whom I expected to die after me (like any other mother would have expected of their children), left before me instead. How can I not think of death during every birthday that I have to go through?

However, I'm blessed and comforted to know that my beloved daughter Putri Jibrael Zumirrah went straight to heaven on that beautiful Monday. A soul so pure, so clean and without sin. My daughter is at a place beautiful beyond imagination, a place where we can only pray to go too. All praises to the Almighty for blessing me with a daughter, too beautiful for this earth, she had to go straight to heaven. A place where there is no pain, no hurt, no sin and no harm.  I do not have to worry about my daughter at all now like how parents usually worry about their child, because she's in a place which does not require me and my husband to worry about her at all. She's in a safe place, near our Creator.

But God, I miss her so much and at times it really hurts. Unexplainable pain when triggered weakens the body, the emotions and the mind. But, missing is the price that I have to pay for the love that I have for my daughter. God knows best. In every single thing I do I wonder how it would be like if she's here in this temporary world we live in, but then I have to quickly remind myself that she's in a much, much better place. It's only human of me. Imagining the unimaginable of the beauty of heaven comforts me in a way I've never felt before all that has happened and makes me smile with the father to my child when we talk about it as I know that she's doing well and having an excellent time up above in heaven :) Imagining the day we will get to meet her again in Jannah, if God wills it. God is Great. Blessed to have these feelings which I did not have before I became a mother to Jibrael, gifts from the Most Loving, Most Merciful. Subhanallah.

1st November 2013 was my first birthday as a mother.

Regardless of all my mixed emotions on that tripleone Friday, I was still very touched by all the sweet gestures made by the people who made me feel so loved. Of course, my dearest family and friends who sent their prayers and best wishes to me. My mother who made me hot milo at the stroke of midnight, the husband who called me from the other part of the world, Ruzana Ibrahim my soulsister who brought nasi lemak for me and my mother before I left to work that Friday morning and my sweet colleagues who treated me for a yummy birthday lunch at Bens just near my office on my birth day, that lovely Friday.

My husband was away in London for work that whole week while my family was busy moving to a new place. An unexpected work trip. The third time in the past few months. But, to my surprise I received a bouquet of flowers from him on that Friday morning. I felt so blessed and happy. Was smiley all the way throughout the day because of the sweet gesture. I wish he was here but when work calls... Whatever it is, I'm proud of my husband and I know Jibrael is proud of her Abah too. :)  

Back to my birthday lunch. Hasanah, Dian, Min & Fazlin planned and treated me to a lovely lunch. I had the scrumptious grilled salmon, one of the best dish over there. Not just that, they surprised me and cheered me up with balloons, stickers and a handmade tiara handmade by Hasanah for an event hosted for me that weekend! Alhamdulillah. These people are close like family to me and I love them to bits. The people that I see almost every single day nowadays. The people who accept me for who I am and does not judge me for my weaknesses especially after the multiple traumas I went through since end of October last year till now. Always trying their best to accommodate me and understand me eventhough there are times that even I myself could not understand what I am going through. I couldn't ask for better friends to surround myself with during these trying times. Farhah, Syakirah, Shasha & Jackleen joined us for the lunch too and we had a great time enjoying our food :) And for the first time ever, I wore the Black Swan Tutu Skirt I designed for ARNADIA by @gayacollective. Alhamdulillah.

I'm truly blessed for all the gifts in my life and the gift of life itself. This year the Almighty made me a mother to a child in heaven and I feel that I could never thank Allah enough for this gift. At times, I feel that I am undeserving of all the gifts that I have been blessed with since I was born as I feel that the only thing that I deserve to ask for is forgiveness. I've done so many mistakes in the past, extremely flawed and far from perfection but he kept on blessing me with the gifts of life that makes me feel so loved. Apart from gifts, they say when God loves someone He afflicts the person with trials and challenges. 

May God forgive us all and make us wiser and closer to Him and His Love each passing year. May God purify our intentions to do every single thing for His sake and His pleasure alone. May we become better slaves to the ONE who created us. May God grant us strength to

All praises to the ONE who created LOVE. To the Creator, we all belong.

Remind me if I forget, and let's keep on reminding each other ya? :)

Enjoy my smiley pictures!

PEACE &LOVE!

This post is a continuation of Expect the Unexpected VII : The PPROM Week &

 Expect the Unexpected VI : My Beautifully Traumatic Experience : Beautiful Jibrael  

(Read more on the Black Swan Tutu from ARNADIA which I designed and wore to work on my birthday that Friday here: Work the TUTU : Dancing on the Streets).