Expect the Unexpected VI : My Beautifully Traumatic Experience : Beautiful Jibrael

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Do you know anyone who has lost a child? A friend, a family member, a colleague or even a stranger? Do you know how to deal with them? What to say or do to help them? When you interact with them face to face or even via phone calls or social media? 

I'm in the category of those who did not know how to. I did not know what to say or how to act because while I had an idea of how they felt and I knew that they were hurt and suffering, I did not actually know how they really felt. The loss. The emptiness. So, I always chose to keep quiet. I did not say anything and did not really do anything to help. I always thought that no words could comfort someone in that situation. I thought I was being a good friend by giving a bereaving person some space and alone time. I sometimes felt guilty for being happy in front of such people, not wanting to hurt them. Truth is, I didn't know how to deal with them. 

And now, I'm still not sure if I know how to deal with someone who has suffered a loss. But I know how they feel. But it came at great expense.

Throughout my hospital stay, I stayed positive all the time. This was what the doctors told me to do. I did not entertain any thoughts of any negative outcomes and I channeled all my positive energy into this. When you have your beloved child with you, you would fight and do anything to ensure that your child will remain alive. I was so positive, the doctors told me that I was too positive and I had to tone it down. I didn't do that. Since my baby was struggling to live every day, I had to make sure I did my best to support her, being positive and never let her down.

I never let myself to think that I could lose her. I blocked any such negativity out of my system. Even when I received bad news of my beloved grandmother's passing and my dad's accident when I was in the hospital, I did not allow myself to cry and grieve and let those news affect me for long. I pushed myself beyond my limits. I suddenly had strength that I never knew existed. I had no choice but to be strong. I had to stay strong for my baby. But I lost her. And I could not imagine the pain. Cut through this deep. I know now how it feels to lose a child. To lose someone very important and dear to me.  All this while I thought I could empathize with the feelings of those who have lost, but there and then I realized at that moment that it was nowhere near the same. I did not imagine the pain of losing a child would be this great, until I have to go through it myself.

I am still learning to cope and survive. My whole mind goes blank at times. I lose focus so easily. Having an almost permanent mental block daily. I have found that at times I have no control over my reactions when I face certain remarks or when I'm faced with certain situations. Every other day I am faced with acts, surroundings and remarks which pains me. The slightest gestures or words can hurt me. I become ultra sensitive and in those situations and moments, I get angry (in my head) at people for being too insensitive eventhough I try my best to contain it ever since. I know that I am too vulnerable, too sensitive now. Not just people, even surroundings and situations can hurt me. But at times it can't be helped. I remind myself that I have to fight my very best to try to smile against it all. Smile even when the ache is unbearable. Smile while I still can, because there are times that smiling is not an option. It is not as easy as people would imagine.

People have asked me why I am like this. I have no answer. People think I am indulging in my emotions too much. I can tell you that I am fighting against my emotions every minute of every day. Even though I truly believe and have faith that God has determined what is best for everyone, the pain still lingers.

Sometimes, when I do certain things that puzzle people, they ask "why?". I don't know. Probably because I just had a traumatic experience this past few months? The sudden scare of losing my baby at any minute when I was hospitalized. Being ill together with my baby. Being bedridden for 78 days at the hospital. Fighting for my baby's life. Giving birth to her via emergency c-section. Losing her. And now, facing life without her.

It is not something which I have expected. To fall so deeply in love with a person, my baby, my child and then only to have her leave this world so soon after.

I did not expect that I would be blogging about my child in this way. I didn't expect that I would change drastically. My family and I did not expect a lot of things. And this reminds me, expect the unexpected. Because everything in life is unexpected. Looking at the bright side of things, I did not expect that I would be blessed with such a beautiful gift. My whole experience this since last year is a beautiful gift. There are blessings in every painful experience. In hardships. Whether we realize it during out moments of sorrow or sadness is another matter altogether.

It was a beautifully traumatic experience. It was beautiful because I faced those days with the people that I love so much. My husband, my child together with my family and friends who are like family. It was hard but it was beautiful. I felt a peculiar sense of contentment at the time. I secretly miss my days at the hospital. When I was carrying her. When I get to meet her. All the times that we spent together. When my family and close friends gathered and we were all rooting for our beautiful fighter Putri Jibrael Zumirrah. I miss that. And that is what I feel right now. RINDU.

I am blessed to have my family and non-judgmental caring people who share my love towards Jibrael and at the same time share my feelings of her loss. They try their best to understand, to accept my weaknesses at any point in time and just be there for me during this trying time.

Eventhough my daughter left this world too soon, she is in a much better place. A place not everyone can go to. A place where others can only strive and work very hard to go to but was made so easy for her. I have faith that all this pain will all be worth it in the end, God-willing. I have to constantly remind myself to always be patient and that our family will reunite one day. A lifetime wouldn't seem so long when my family and I get to meet her. I crave to go to that place where pain, hurt and suffering does not exist. My daughter taught me so much. God is Great. All praises to the Creator, the Ultimate Giver, for all the blessings, seen and unseen. May God guide us all. May we all be among the people of understanding and those who believe. :)

-This post is a continuation of Expect the Unexpected V : How Do You Deal With Loss.-


Edit : See Useful Tips on How to Face a Parent Who Has Lost a Child in my next post.

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  1. Salam systa.just drop by to say tht u r my inspiration.in many ways.thanxx for all yr posts.im yr silent reader since 2 years ago.and i keep reading on every thgs that happen to you.u r so strong systaa.

    1. Salam... Thank you so much for dropping by. I am happy to know that you've been reading my posts the past 2 years and still reading despite all that has happened. Touched. Thank you for your kind words. Everything good belongs to the Creator and nothing is mine except my own flaws and weaknesses. All strength comes from the Almighty.

  2. Hi There,

    Don't stop your emotions.Sometimes, it's best you talk abt this to your loved ones or friends, cry and let out the emotions so that you will be in a better position to move on.

    No one wish for something like that to happen but everything happens for a reason and only god knows why. We have to just redha. If we think too much, we will not get an answer and we will end up getting more stressed and emotional.

    Perhaps the baby had some health problem which only god knew about and he decided best not to let her come to this world and suffer with any health problem, so he decided to take her away.

    Try to accept the fact that this had happened, you willingly let her go and that she is in a better place being cared by angels.

    I hope you have another pregnancy soon and hopefully this time around, its Jibrael again in your womb and she comes out to this world as a healthy baby.

    The next pregnancy you have, try to take it easy and don't get stressed with office work.

    All the best.


  3. Hi Nadia,

    you can read through other people's experience as well and I hope this can help you cope with your loss - http://www.aruri.blogspot.com/search/label/Miscarriage

    I have not personally experienced this, but two of my close friends had. one friend had a miscarriage when her baby was 8 months old. it was supposed to be her 4th child. she just came back from a holiday when it happened. my friend is quite strong and no health problem and previous 3 pregnancies went on well and she delivered healthy baby. no one can understand why it happened to her.

    another was a close friend's wife. had a miscarriage in her 6th month. according to my friend, at this time, the baby's features were already formed. both of them were in bad condition for a long time after this happened. but they prayed to god a lot and eventually she got pregnant again and delivered a beautiful baby boy when she was 36 years old.

    my friend told me that after the miscarriage, he and his wife adopted a healthy lifestyle, avoid stress, avoid caffeine, etc.


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  5. Salam..
    My mother.. She lost her eldest son.. My brother.. 3yrs back.. He was 42.. Heart failure.. I was with my mother at her place when we received the news.. Never seen my mother like that before.. She scream.. She cant even stand up and she cant see a thing with her eyes wide opened.. But his time has came.. Not even a second later.. Allah SWT has planned that i went back to Penang at my mother's place because hubby went outstation.. I cant imagine what could happen to my mum if she received the news and she was all alone.. Yes.. She stays by herself in Penang.. I drove her to Shah Alam for the funeral.. My mother is a strong woman.. She lost her father, husband, mother, son and grandchild.. My sister.. Lost her son.. The baby was 45 days old.. Her 5th child.. But she never give up.. She conceived less than a year after the lost.. And again.. She lost the baby in side her womb.. The baby's heart stopped.. All of sudden.. She has to push him out.. Knowing the baby is no longer with her.. And.. Till now she still never give up.. She is trying for another baby.. InsyaAllah.. Everything that happened has its own reasons.. Allah SWT has planned to us.. We just have to keep on moving and never ever give up.. My mother continue her lifestyle alone back in Penang.. But she never talk bout my late brother.. Everytime somebody asks bout my brother.. There'll be tears in her eyes.. She keeps herself busy with her pets.. Sports activity.. Recite Al-Quran.. But she just never talk bout my late brother.. She keep on smilling because thats what my brother always wanted.. For her to be happy..

  6. Saya selalu usha instagram and u keep mention Jibrael's name. I want to know who is Jibrael and I dropping here to read by myself what happen. And now i really understand what happen to ur daughter. Keep strong sis.

  7. Salam,

    I know this might be a little late, but I'm sorry for your loss, and I think it's brave of you to speak about it so openly. God bless, and hope you found the strength to move on and cope with it. Many pregnancies actually end up in miscarriages, which is why birth is so much of a miracle. :)

    Selamat menyambut Ramadhan.