Survival Kit : Embracing and Coping Child Loss
8:10:00 PM
Peace be upon all of you.
This is especially dedicated to
mothers who have lost their child.
As mentioned in my previous post Expect the Unexpected V : How Do You Deal with Loss, I'm a little bit clueless
at what's happening with me. I shared what I'm feeling currently about Loss.
I'm just going with the flow and going through everything with the support of
my closest family and friends, but at times I find that I've been acting weird.
So, I googled child-loss.
I found this
interesting read. It hits home. And I find it very helpful. Easier said than done, but it does help. At least for me. My family and colleagues
found it very helpful too and they suggested that I share this article on my
blog. So even if you have never lost a child, you would get an idea of
what a mother who has lost a child is going through. I feel that most of the points made are good reminders while I'm still going through it all.
Hope this article finds you well. God knows best.
I copy pasted relevant sections
from one of the interesting articles below. You can click the title to go to the
page.
Thanks WikiHow!
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How to Survive the Death of Your Child
The death of a child is the most
devastating loss. You mourn the loss of his or her life, potential and future.
Your life is forever changed. But it's not over. You can get through the grief
and come out the other side. Read on for some tips that can help.
Steps To Helping Yourself Grieve
1. Embrace
all of your feelings and emotions.
You're entitled to whatever feelings
come up. You may experience intense anger, guilt, denial, sorrow and fear, all
of which are normal for a bereaved parent. Nothing is off the table, nothing is
"wrong."
2. Throw out
the timetable.
There is no timetable to your grieving
process. Every individual is just that: an individual. Bereaved parents may
experience many of the same emotions and difficulties; however, each parent's
journey is different depending on personality and life circumstances.
For years, we relied on the popular
notion that people progress through five stages of grief that begin with denial
and end with acceptance. The new thinking is that there is no series of steps
to be completed in the grieving process. Instead, people experience a
"grab bag" of feelings and symptoms that come and go and eventually
lift. In a recent research study, scientists learned that many people accept
the death of a loved one right from the beginning and report more yearning for
the lost individual than feelings of anger or depression. [1]
Because the grieving process is so
personal to each individual, couples sometimes find themselves at odds because
they can't understand the other's way of dealing with the loss. Understand that
your spouse may have different coping mechanisms than you do and allow him or
her to grieve in the way that suits them.
3. Don't
worry about numbness.
During the grieving process, many
people will experience a state of numbness. In this state, the world may seem
like a dream or seem to go on separate from them. People and things that once
brought happiness evoke nothing at all. This state could pass quickly or linger
for a while; it's the body's way of offering protection from overwhelming
emotions. With time, feelings and connections will return. For many, the
numbness begins to wear off after the first anniversary of your child's death,
and then true reality can hit very hard. Many parents say that the second year
is the most difficult.
4. Take time off from work...or not.
Some parents find the thought of
returning to work unbearable while others prefer to throw themselves into the
daily activity and challenges that work offers. Find out what the bereavement
policy is at your workplace before making your decision. Some companies also
offer employees paid personal days or the opportunity to take an unpaid leave.
Don't allow fear of letting your company down force you to return to work
before you're ready. According to the executive director of the Grief Recovery
Institute, companies lose about $225 billion a year due to reduced productivity
as an aftereffect of grief. "When someone we love dies, we lose the
ability to concentrate or focus," Friedman said. "Your brain doesn't
work right when your heart is broken."[2]
5. Turn to
your faith if you can.
If you find comfort in the beliefs, teachings
and rituals of your faith, turn to them now to aid in your grief recovery.
Know, too, that the loss of your child may damage your religious beliefs, and
that's ok. In time, you may find that you're able to return to faith; either
way, if you have been a person of faith, believe that God is big enough to
handle your anger, rage and sorrow. If you don't wish to return to your faith
or if you're simply unable to, know that it is your decision.
6. Delay
decision making.
Wait at least one year before making
any major decisions. Don't sell your house, change locations, divorce a partner
or alter your life significantly. Wait until the fog has lifted, and you can
clearly see the options available to you. Be careful of impulsive
decision-making in daily life. Some people adopt a "Life is short"
philosophy that propels them to take unnecessary risks in the pursuit of living
their lives to the fullest. Monitor your behavior to be sure you're not
engaging in potentially harmful activities.
7. Trust in
time.
The phrase "Time heals all
wounds" may sound like a meaningless cliche, but the truth is that you
will recover from this loss in time. Initially, memories will hurt you to your
core, even the good ones, but at some point that will begin to change, and
you'll come to cherish those memories. They'll bring a smile to your face and
joy to your heart. Grief is similar to a roller coaster or the ocean's tide.
Know that it's ok to take time off from grieving--to smile, laugh and enjoy
life. This does not mean you're forgetting your child; that would be
impossible.
Taking
Care of Yourself
1. Be very
gentle with yourself.
While your impulse may be to blame
yourself for what's happened, resist the urge. There are simply forces in life
and nature that cannot be controlled. Beating yourself up about what you could
have, would have, should have done is counterproductive to healing.
2. Get plenty
of sleep.
For some parents, all they want to do
is to sleep. Others find themselves pacing the floors at night and staring
blankly at the TV. The death of a child takes an extreme toll on the body.
Science has shown that a loss of this magnitude is similar to a major physical
injury, [3] so you absolutely need rest. Give in to the urge to sleep if you
have it; otherwise, try to establish a nighttime routine--warm bath, herbal
tea, relaxation exercises--that can help ease you into a good night's sleep.
3. Remember
to eat.
Sometimes, in the days immediately
following your child's death, relatives and friends may bring you food so that
you don't have to cook. Do your best to eat a little each day in order to keep
up your strength. It's difficult to deal with negative emotions and everyday
activities when you're physically weak. Eventually, you may have to return to
making your own meals. Keep it simple. Bake a chicken or make a big pot of soup
that can last for a few meals. Find healthy takeout options in your
neighborhood and restaurants that will deliver to your home.
4. Stay
hydrated.
Whether or not you're finding it
difficult to eat, try to drink at least eight glasses of water a day. Sip on a
cup of soothing tea or keep a refillable water bottle with you. Dehydration is
physically taxing, and your body is already being taxed enough.
5. Use
alcohol in moderation and stay away from illegal drugs.
While it's understandable that you may
want to blot out the memory of your child's death, excessive use of alcohol and
drugs can aggrevate depression and create a whole new set of problems to deal
with.
6. Use
prescription medication under a doctor's orders only.
Some parents find that a sleep aid is
a necessity, and that anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication helps them
better cope. There are many varieties of these medications, and finding the
right one that works best can be a daunting task, and one best undertaken with
the help of a physician. Work with your doctor to find what works for you and
to make a plan for how long you'll be on medication.
7.
Re-evaluate your relationships if they become hurtful.
It's not uncommon for friends to pull
away during this grieving period. Some people simply do not know what to say,
and those that are parents may feel uncomfortable with the reminder that the
loss of child is possible. If friends urge you to "get over" your
grief and try to hurry you through your grieving process, set boundaries with
them regarding what is and isn't an acceptable topic for conversation. If
necessary, distance yourself from those who insist on dictating your grieving
process.
Honoring Your
Child's Memory
1. Host a
memorial gathering.
A couple of weeks after the funeral or
at a time that feels right to you, invite friends and loved ones to a party or
dinner in honor of your child. Make this gathering about sharing the good
memories everyone has. Invite people to share stories and/or photos of your son
or daughter. The gathering can be at your home or choose a place your child
loved--a park, playground or community center.
2. Set up a
web page.
There are companies that provide web
space where you can share photos and videos of your child and even record his
or her life story. You can also create a Facebook page that memorializes your
child and restrict access so that only family and friends can see it.
3. Create a
scrapbook.
Gather photos of your child, artwork,
report cards, mementos and organize them in a scrapbook. Write captions or
stories to go with the photographs. This scrapbook is something you can look at
when you want to feel close to your child. It's also a way to help younger siblings
learn about their brother or sister.
4. Make a
memorial donation.
You can provide funds for a project in
the name of your child. For example, you may be able to donate to your local
library asking them to purchase books in honor of your child. Depending on
their policies, they may put a special label in front of the book with your
child's name on it. Think about activities and organizations that represent the
kinds of things your child liked or cared about.
5. Set up a
scholarship.
You can contact the development office
at a university or work with a community foundation to set up a scholarship
fund. You need about $20,000 to $25,000 to endow a scholarship that pays out
$1,000 every year, but each institution sets its own rules.[4] A scholarship fund
also give your friends and family a way to honor your child by making a
contribution.
6. Become an
activist.
Depending on the circumstances of your
child's death, you may want to get involved with an organization that calls
attention to a particular cause or advocates for changes to our legal system.
For example, if your child was killed by a drunk driver, you might want to join
Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD). Be inspired by John Walsh. After his
six-year-old son Adam was murdered, he went on to help sponsor legislation to
toughen laws on those convicted of violence against children and hosted a TV
show focused on catching violent criminals.
7. Light a
candle.
October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant
Loss Remembrance Day, a day to honor and remember babies who died during
pregnancy or as newborns. At 7 p.m. on that evening, participants around the
world light a candle and keep it burning for at least an hour. Because of
different time zones, the result is what's been described as "a wave of
light that spans the globe."[5]
8. Celebrate
birthdays if it feels right.
Birthdays may initially be intensely
painful, and you might choose to simply do your best to get through the day. On
the other hand, some people find solace in celebrating their child's life on
this special day. There are no right or wrong ways to do this--if it would give
you comfort and allow you to celebrate all that was good, funny and bright
about your child, then plan a birthday event.
Getting
Outside Help
1. Talk to a
therapist.
A good therapist can be helpful,
especially if it is someone who specializes in grief counseling. Look online to
find someone in your area. Plan to interview therapists over the phone before
commiting to a session. Ask about their experience working with bereaved
parents, their process for working with a patient, whether they incorporate a
religous or spiritual component (something you may or may not want), their
rates and their availability.
2. Join a
bereavement group.
Knowing that you're not alone in your
grief and that others are facing similar challenges can be comforting.
Bereavement support groups for parents are available in many communities; check
online for groups near you. These groups offer a number of benefits including
the chance to tell your story in a supportive, non-judgmental environment, a
decreased feeling of isolation and people who validate and normalize each
other's emotional reactions. Groups are of two varietys: time-limited and
open-ended. Time limited groups typically meet once a week for a pre-determined
amount of time (six weeks to 10 weeks) while open-ended groups follow more of a
drop-in format in which attendance may vary from meeting to meeting and the
meetings may occur less frequently (monthly, bi-monthly).
3. Find an
online forum.
There are many forums online dedicated
to supporting people living with loss; however, be aware that many include all
types of loss (parents, partners, siblings, even pets). Look for one that is
specifically for parents grieving the loss of a child in order to receive
better understanding of your specific loss.
TIPS
- Cry when you need to, smile when you can...
- Don't put time limits on your recovery. It may be years before you begin to feel normal again, and that normal will be a new normal. It may be that you never feel quite the same again, but that will not mean your life is not worth living - it will not be the same, but it will be different, changed forever by the love for your child, and his or hers for you.
- Take life one day at a time.
- Pray as often as possible if you're a person of faith.
- When you find yourself becoming manic, it's OK to stop, relax, do nothing, watch a movie, read, sleep, slow yourself down.
- Love never dies this is just the start of the journey our loved ones are just one step ahead.
- Don't expect a day to ever pass without thinking about your child - nor should you even want that. You loved your child dearly, and will deeply miss him or her for the rest of your life, and that's okay.
- Take baby steps.
- Do what feels right to you as you grieve. You do not owe anyone an explanation for the way you need to express your grief.
- Try not to sweat the small stuff. As a bereaved parent we are surviving the worst! Nothing else that happens in life could be more painful than this. If you can, remind yourself that the strength you have discovered in living with the death of your child means you can survive anything now.
- Know that ambivalence about almost everything can be common, including about "moving on."
- Find other parents who have lost a child and form a support group.
- Try to remember that no one can truly understand your grief unless they have lived it themselves. Try to let your loved ones know how they can help you, and ask that they respect your feelings.
- Know that you are not alone. Just reach out for help, it is out there.
2 comments
Hi RNS,
ReplyDeleteI've been a silent reader for quite some time-I love your style and from your writing, I could feel the pain.
Mainly because I have been watching my mum trying for another child(or daughter in this case) for quite some time(I'm the eldest so I knowwww..heh.I was also the only daughter..masa tu la).
She never really told me cause I was still a kid masa tu, but I did watch my dad bury my adik due to complications with my mum's pregnancy. There were also some episodes that I couldn't really understand..but I watched my mum through the years-she never complained but I did see in her notebook of goals that she wanted another daughter.
After quite some time,one day my dad pulled me into a corner and said to me that mum's pregnant..with a baby girl and she's due in a few weeks..but he asked me to keep it hush-hush-so I did.
Anyway long story short-my littlest sister was born when my mum reached her late 30s..
What I can say is, girl, yang paling penting is...sabar.
But I think you already knew that=)
I totally can relate to you. My daughter was stillborn at 9 months last year. Imagine, i've been waiting for her for so long and in less than 2 weeks before due date, she's gone. I redha because I know she's in heaven. And I always hold on to this- Allah takkan uji kita dgn sesuatu yg kita tak mampu tanggung. I always miss her and when I pray for her, I will smile and hope to be with her in jannah
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