Wednesday, July 4, 2012

True Love : Part 1 : unworthy me

It's been fifteen days since I left Makkah for my umrah. My heart, soul and mind is still there.

In the name of God, most Gracious and most Merciful.

To say that I miss Makkah (Mecca) and Madinah is an understatement. Since I came back, everything here seems so alien to me now. I missed Makkah and Madinah even before I left the Holy Land, if it makes sense (it will, if you've ever been in love). No words can describe how I felt then and how I'm feeling right now. The Greatness of God pierced my heart and soul. Menusuk qalbu.

Before I went off, at the airport, I did not know what to expect. To be honest, I did not expect it was going to be a life-changing experience. Little did I know. Too little. Extremely little. Still very little. I have a sudden thirst for knowledge which can bring me closer to Him. May God, our Creator and Fortune Giver bestow us all with rightful knowledge. 

I am writing this to share with you, but mostly I am writing this for myself. So that I can put in words these feelings that I feel, so I can look back and be reminded of what I felt. I'm trying to write as much as I can, because ultimately it is in our nature to forget. The word "Insan" (human / he who forgets) comes from the word "Nisyan" which means "to forget". I hope that I will not forget this feeling right now, and I hope God does not take away this Divine Love that He has bestowed upon me. I also hope readers of this post would understand that by me sharing my experience I am not writing this out of riya' or to show off (may God distance such a disease from my heart) but to just truly share this life-changing experience.  I hope you or those around me will remind me if ever I forget.

Before I stepped foot for the first time in Makkah, I was a jumble of mixed emotions. Although I was excited and happy beyond words, I was also very scared and apprehensive. Takut teramat sangat. Here I was, about to answer The Creator's call and all my sins flashed through my mind (what they say is true, it did happen). I have not been a good Muslim. How many times have I neglected His call, how many times have I prioritized the world instead of Him, the Creator of all things? All the sins that I have committed? I grew more nervous and scared. I'm this close to answering His call, but until it happened, I was just so worried and could not calm myself. So many things could go wrong, especially here, where every little thought you have is manifested instantly. Was I worthy? Would I be able to answer His call? Or would I be prevented from doing so? Would He even want to accept me and my repentance?